Uncensored - Kristen Schaal - Hey Kyle

Kristen Schaal: Live at the Fillmore Season 1, Ep 1 04/01/2013 Views: 16,978

Kristen Schaal reminisces about impressing a schoolboy crush with her water fountain technique. (3:16)

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Porn is so ubiquitous now,I mean, it's everywhere,

and I'm worried about--

these kids haveinstant access to it

with the Internet.

When I was a kid,

the only sex educationI got was a poster

of New Kids on the Blockon my wall,

with Joey McIntirelocking eyes with me

while I rolled aroundon the carpet screaming

'cause I was feeling thingsI didn't understand.

Oh, god, it's a rough time.

Junior high was the worst.


In fact, even when shitgoes down in my adult life,

all I have to do is be like,"Oh, you're not in junior high,"

and it's like, "Yay!

We're okay!"[laughs]

Oh, my God.

I remember the first timeI ever asked a guy out.

I was 13 years old,and it was a disaster.

Oh, my god.It went like this...

I was like, "Hey, Kyle.






"Kyle... Kyle... Kyle...[voice wavering]

"Kyle... Kyle...

"Oh, hey, Kyle.


"Oh, man, nice shirt.

I don't have any fear either.


"This is crazythat we're talking

"for the first time,

"by the best water fountainin the school.


"This water fountainhas just enough water pressure

"to make it into my mouth

"without me having tobend over too far.

"Like this.I'll show you.


"I like water.

"Do you?

"How 'bout thistall glass of it?

"I will quench you.Oh, Kyle, I will quench you.

Okay, bye."

[audience "awws"]





[cheers and applause]

And I threw that water fountainout the window,

and escaped like the Chiefin Cuckoo's Nest.

[audience members whoop]Never went back.