Mark Normand - Thoughts Are Not Good

Amy Schumer Presents Mark Normand: Don't Be Yourself Season 1, Ep 1 05/13/2017 Views: 1,532

A lack of comfort doesn't keep Mark Normand awake at night; it's his horrible non-stop anxiety brain that won't let him sleep. (1:24)

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Yeah horrible anxiety like.

I live in the city,I don't have a car.

I just walk around everywhere.Uh...

You guys ever do this one?

You guys ever leave the housewithout headphones.

Whoo!

Thoughts are not good.

(laughter)

My God, this whole time,I thought I loved music.

Turns out I just hate my brain.

Just being attacked all day longwith this insecurity playliston shuffle.

Aah!What are you doingwith your life?

You drink too much.Gonna die alone.

You call that a penis?Aah!

Oh, bad head.My brain is evil.

It, like, attacks me.It's like a bully, you know?

I'll be at a party, hanging out,everybody's havinga good time, talking.

My brain's like, hey,you weirdo.

You're being too quiet.

Everybody's wondering why you'resuch a quiet weirdo.

Come on.

Get in there, say something,you lunatic.

Come on, you freak.Jump in, you psycho.

Come on, get in there.

You finally say something,your brain goes, "Whoo...that's what you picked?"

Aah.

Shut up, dummy.

Damn it.

My brain never stops.

I can't sleep at night.I'm a horrible sleeper.

That's why I hatethese bed commercials

you see at 4:00 a.m.

Hey, you can't sleep.Well, how comfortableis your mattress?

What's your sleep number?How's your firmness?

You think lack of comfort'swhat's keeping me up at night

and that's the problem, really?Ha!

It's this goddamned Japanesegame show I got going up here,all right?

Yeah, it's the worry,the anxiety, the dread.

I don't need a mattressdesigned by NASA,

I need a Xanaxand some self-esteem, all right?

Come on.Comfort, pfft.

I could sleep on a gravel roadif I had a good childhood.

All right?