Andy Borowitz - Hotel Porn

  • Season 1 , Ep 0103
  • 08/03/2006
  • Views: 2,629

Hotels make you feel really bad about ordering porn. (2:53)

Issue number one-- hotel porn.

Now I'm not sayingI'm against it.

I think on the whole,I'm for it.

But I think that they shouldrewrite the way

the ordering instructionson screen are phrased.

Because right now whatit always says is,

"Movie titles will notappear on your bill."

Now, personally I thinkit's sad enough

that I'm sitting alone ina hotel room watching porn.

They really don't needto introduce

that whole element of shameinto it.

I mean, they might as welljust say,

"Movie titles will not appearon your bill,

you sick, sick bastard,"you know.

Besides, I would like the movietitles to appear on my bill,

because then I would havea complete record

of the pornI have already watched.

I can't tell you how many timesI'm ordering porn

and I'm like thinking,

"Have I seen Hot and Horny 4,or just 1 through 3?"

You know, it wouldbe really helpful.

Issue number two--

this is a little bitcontroversial,

but I got to justput it out there.

I don't care who I offend.

I think we've reachedthe point in this country

where we have too many spin-offsof Law and Order on television.

I do. I do.

( applause )

All right, I havesome support.

All right.

Here's why I say that.

I was watching Law and Order

the other day-- it started likea typical episode.

There was a murder,the cops got a call

and they rushedto the crime scene.

And there were already cops

from another Law and Orderspin-off...

( laughing )

All right, this isthe last issue.

A lot of my friendsare going on

those "do-not-call" lists

to keep the telemarketersfrom calling.

But like personally I wouldnever do that,

because whenthe telemarketers call,

that's pretty muchthe high point of my day, okay?

Because I get to playmind games with them,

and that's likefree entertainment.

This is a true story.

A couple weeks agoI got a call--

typical telemarketer.

He said, "Are you happy withyour long-distance service?"

And I said, "Now this isan insane coincidence."

( laughing )

And he said, "What?"

And I said, "I also work fora long-distance phone company."

And he was like, "Really?"

And I said, "Yeah."

And we laughed and we laughed

at what a coincidencethat was.

And then I said, "Well, look,

while I've got youon the phone..."

( laughing )

"Are you happy with yourlong-distance service?

"'Cause I've gota calling plan

that could just shave dollarsoff your monthly bill."

And I went through thistotally fictitious calling plan

with the dude.

And then I said, "Well, look,I'm sitting here

"right here at my computer.

"If you just give meyour home phone number,

we can do the switch-overright now."

And he was like, "Look,I got to go. Good-bye."

And he hung up on me.

( laughing )

All I can say is, the day youcan get a telemarketer

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