John Mulaney - Awful Athlete

  • Season 13 , Ep 23
  • 01/11/2009
  • Views: 24,425

When John Mulaney plays basketball, it looks like he just bought his body and doesn't know how it works yet. (2:53)

FOR YEARS, I WAS A CHILD.

AND DURING THAT TIME,I WAS TERRIBLE AT SPORTS.

I'M STILL AN AWFUL ATHLETE.

MY BODY IS BAD AT SPORTS.

THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

AND I SAY THAT MY BODYIS BAD AT SPORTS

BECAUSE I THINK MY BRAINIS GOOD AT SPORTS.

LIKE, I THINK MY BRAINUNDERSTANDS HOW A HUMAN BEING

COULD, LIKE, DRIBBLE DOWNA BASKETBALL COURT

AND THEN MAKE A LAYUP, RIGHT?

BUT THENIT HAS TO "OUTSOURCE" THE JOB

TO MY WEIRD AND FEMININE LIMBS.

AND SO WHEN I PLAY BASKETBALL,

IT LOOKS LIKEI JUST BOUGHT MY BODY

AND I DON'T KNOWHOW IT WORKS YET.

BUT I PLAYED.

I PLAYED BASKETBALL.

I PLAYED BASKETBALLFOR FIVE YEARS,

AND I WAS A BENCH WARMERALL FIVE YEARS.

AND IF YOU WERE NEVERA BENCH WARMER,

I CANNOT EXPRESS TO YOU

THE HUMILIATIONOF EVERY SATURDAY MORNING,

PUTTING ON A PAIROF BREAKAWAY PANTS

AND NEVER HAVING A REASONTO BREAK THEM AWAY.

THEN THEY'RE JUST PANTS.

I ONCE GOT INTO A GAME --

I ONCE GOT INTO A GAMEFOR THE LAST 30 SECONDS, OKAY?

'CAUSE WE WERE WINNING.

AND I WALKED OUT ON THE COURT,

AND I HAD TO GOHALF OF ONE MINUTE

WITHOUT DOING ANYTHING WRONG.

WALK OUT THERE,AND I GET FOULED RIGHT AWAY.

I GET KNOCKED TO THE GROUND.

SO THIS REFEREERUNS OVER TO HELP ME UP,

AND HE'S LIKE, "HEY, HEY, HEY.

"DON'T YOU WORRY, SON.

WE'RE GONNA GET YOUSOME FREE THROWS."

I WAS LIKE, "OH, NO, NO,NO, NO, NO, NO, NO."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

"THAT WILL NOT BE NECESSARY.

"IF YOU'RE LOOKINGTO MAKE THIS UP TO ME,

MIGHT I SUGGEST AGIFT CERTIFICATE OF SOME KIND."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

OH, AND IT WAS A TECHNICAL FOUL,SO THEY CLEARED THE COURT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THEY WERE LIKE, "YEAH.

"FEEL FREE TO USEALL THE SPACE YOU WANT

TO SUCK AS MUCH AS YOU DOAT THIS GAME."

SO IF YOU WEREIN THE STANDS THAT DAY,

YOU COULD WATCH MESHOOT FREE THROWS,

AND YOU COULD WATCH MY TEAMWATCH ME SHOOT FREE THROWS.

AND MY TEAM'S BENCHAT THAT MINUTE,

IT LOOKED LIKE SOME LIKE BIZARRELAST SUPPER PAINTING, YOU KNOW?

THERE'S SOME PEOPLE JUST LIKE,

"OH, HE'S NOT GONNA SHOOTFREE THROWS, IS HE?"

"OH, THIS IS A REALLY BAD IDEA."

AND MY COACH IN THE MIDDLEJUST LIKE,

"WHAT THE HELLHAVE YOU SENT ME?"

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

BAD.

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