Patrice O'Neal - AIDS

Tough Crowd Stands Up with Colin Quinn Season 1, Ep 0101 12/08/2002 Views: 10,777

Patrice wants the kind of AIDS that Magic Johnson has. (3:39)

I REALLY HATE TO SEE IT GO, MAN.

I WAS REALLY HAPPY WATCHING

CHINESE PEOPLE WALKING AROUND

UH, NOT TRYING TO COUGH.

YOU, YOU KNOW...

[LAUGHTER]

BUT I JUST LOVE WATCHING CHINESE

PEOPLE GETTING THE PRESSURE

APPLIED.

LOOKING AT THEM LIKE WAITING

FOR THEM TO COUGH.

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU WAS WORKING

WITH THEM YOU WERE LOOKING AT

THEM...

IF YOU COUGH...

[LAUGHTER]

IF THIS CHINESE DUDE COUGHS, I--

IT WAS JUST FANTASTIC 'CAUSE

EVERY OTHER DISEASE THEY BLAME

ON BLACK PEOPLE, I CAN'T GET

ENOUGH OF IT.

I'M WATCHING MONKEY POX ON TV

AND THEY WAS DOING--

SOME MAGICAL DISEASE--

WHITE PEOPLE ARE BREAKING OUT

WITH ALL THIS, AND UH...

AND SO I'M LOOKING AND THEIR

DOING THE REPORT AND THEY SHOW

A COMPOSITE SKETCH OF SOME RAT

FROM AFRICA WHICH MEANS HE'S

BLACK AND THEY DREW IT...

[LAUGHTER]

FIRST OF ALL, HOW DO YOU KNOW

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SOME

BLACK RAT AND SOME RAT

FROM THE BRONX THAT'S THE PUERTO

RICAN HALF.

SO THEY MIGHT AS WELL HAVE DREW

A HAT BACKWARDS.

AND SO, THAT'S THE MONKEY POX

CULPRIT-- WATCH OUT FOR THE

DIRTY BLACK RAT AND THEN IT

ATTACKED, UH...

NOW WHITE PEOPLE DON'T REALLY

HAVE AN ANIMAL REPRESENTATIVE

OF THEMSELVES.

BUT IF YOU WAS TO THINK OF

A FEW, ONE WOULD BE A BALD EAGLE

AND THE OTHER WOULD BE A PRAIRIE

DOG AND THAT'S WHAT IT ATTACKED,

SO IT WAS ALMOST JUST LIKE A

NEWSCAST.

"BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR A

(BLEEP).

HE...

HE BIT SOME POOR DEFENSELESS

PRAIRIE DOG JUST WATCHING THE

GAME AND STOLE HIS WALLET AND

BIT HIM IN THE SHOULDER AND GAVE

HIM..."

I'M WATCHING THIS BUG SHOW WITH

THE LOCUST MAN, YOU KNOW,

BLACK LOCUST FROM AFRICA.

WHOA!

WATCH OUT FOR THE BLACK LOCUST.

AFRICANIZED.

THAT'S WHAT THEY CALL IT,

AFRICANIZED!

BIG BLACK LOCUST.

WATCH OUT!

'CAUSE THEY EAT UP ALL THE CROPS

AND THEY DON'T TIP.

AND WATCH OUT!

WATCH OUT FOR THE LOCUST.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND YOU ALL KNOW ABOUT THE

MONKEY.

MONKEY GOT CHARGED UP WITH ALL

KINDS OF THE MONKEY.

AIDS.

EBOLA.

I'M NOT EVEN REALLY SCARED OF

AIDS ANYMORE, I MEAN, 'CAUSE HOW

CAN YOU WITH MAGIC?

YOU SEE MAGIC JOHNSON?

HE LOOKS FANTASTIC.

I CAN'T BE AFRAID, HE LOOKS

WONDERFUL.

HE'S HAD AIDS FOR FIFTEEN YEARS.

WHAT KIND OF AIDS HE GOT,

THE GOOD KIND?

I WANT...

HE'S BEEN OPENING MOVIE THEATERS

AND STARBUCKS FOR THE LAST

15 YEARS.

I WANT THAT KIND OF AIDS.

GIVE ME THAT.

MAKE ME A BETTER ENTREPRENEUR,

I NEED THAT.

PATRICE, YOU GOT AIDS.

GOOD, I WANNA OPEN A TRUCKING

COMPANY 'CAUSE...

THIS CROWD IS TOUGH HERE.

THE CHINESE PEOPLE DIDN'T LAUGH

AT THAT.

BUT THE BLACK AND CHINESE PEOPLE

ROLLED.

YOU ALL WAS LAUGHING AT THE

THING, RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S YOUNG GIRLS FOR YOU.

YOUNG GIRLS DO THAT.

THE ONLY THING GOOD ABOUT YOUNG

GIRLS, YOU ALL, IS YOUNG GIRLS.

YOU ALL LOOK DELICIOUS,

YOU KNOW.

OTHER THAN THAT...

[SQUEAKY NOISES]

AND THEY GETTING BIGGER, TOO,

MAN, THESE YOUNG BROADS, MAN.

(BLEEP), YOU SEE EM?

I THINK IT'S SOMETHING THEY PUT

IN THE CHICKEN AND ALL THAT

STUFF, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THEY WALKING AROUND BIG.

I SAW THIS WOMAN WALKING DOWN

THE STREET AND I SAID "(BLEEP)

HOW OLD ARE YOU?"

SHE WAS LIKE "FOUR."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I SAID "YOU GOT SOME NICE

TITTIES FOR FOUR."