Uncensored - Rachel Feinstein - Sex and Money

South Beach Comedy Festival 2011 Season 1, Ep 5 03/30/2011 Views: 15,989

A drunk, douchebaggy jock tells Rachel what Las Vegas is really all about. (2:40)

[music playing]


-I also like it whenguys all kind of hit

on women at likereally sloppy times

but act like reallygallant and fancy.

You know that time, like, it'slike last call for alcohol

and ass as well so guysare walking around shaking,

you know?

There's a lot oftension in the air.

They only have like15 minutes to be

inside of anything pleasing.

And these guys walk up tous-- my favorite types--

I was in this barwith my friends

and just these-- my favoritetypes walk up to us.

Sort of like young,date raping jocks.

You know those guys?

Like some douche in likebusiness casual with some beer

sprinkled on.

Looks like his nameis Chad or some shit.


-Looks like he justgraduated from Rape Tech.


-And he was so drunk thathe was sort of gently

swaying, which I alwaysfind very arousing.

Just sort of falling.

And then he would kind ofreach up and kind of point.

He was trying to add meto his cart really fast.

He was like, ah.


And then he walks up to meand my friend and he goes,

I would actually like to havesex with both of you ladies.

Like it was a specialChristmas offer.

Him fucking both of us.

And I-- we were in Vegas.

And he goes likethis, he goes, I

bet you don't know whatVegas is really about.

And then he justsort of fell again.

Kind of stopped himselffrom throwing up.

I was like, I don't knowwhat Vegas is about.

You explain it to me.

I'm scared my tits are confused.


And he goes, Vegas isactually about sex and money.

He said it like that wasthe most revolutionary

concept to come out about Vegas.

Like I was goingto be like, but I

thought Vegas wasabout eating organic.


-And I thought Vegas wasabout unconditional love.

But now you mean to tell meand my tits that all this time

Vegas and sex have we'vebeen working together?

In cahoots with each other?

Oh, if what yousay is true, we've

got to tell thedetectives and fast.

Even my tits are concerned.

And he went like this tome, he goes-- [grunting].

He tried to erase melike I was a chalkboard.

He was like-- [grunting].

He didn't care for mysass because he just

wanted to be inside of anything.

And he was a real prince.

He was the one that gotaway is what he was.


-If I'd learned towatch my tongue,

I could have closed that.

And he walks up to thenext group of women.

Here's how he courted them.

He just went up to this nextgroup of women and he goes,

you guys should comeback to our room.

We're gonna rage.

We've got vodka up the ass.


-I was like, see, that'swhat Vegas is about.

It's about vodka up the ass.

It's also a book aboutmindfulness by Deepak Chopra.

"Vodka Up the Ass andOther Morning Meditations."