Richard Jeni - Dating

  • Season 6 , Ep 3
  • 05/05/2002
  • Views: 8,440

Dating should be more like poker. (1:55)

BUT THE TROUBLE WITH ALL

THE LYING IN THE BEGINNING

OF THE RELATIONSHIP IS THAT YOU

DON'T FIND OUT UNTIL LATER ON

THAT YOU'RE INVOLVED WITH A

CRAZY PERSON.

THAT'S THE TROUBLE.

'CAUSE MOST PEOPLE LOOK NORMAL,

BUT ARE REALLY CRAZY.

AND THAT'S WHY YOU HAVE TO LIKE

A GUY LIKE CHARLES MANSON.

SAY WHAT YOU WILL ABOUT MANSON

HE'S ONE OF THE ONLY PEOPLE

WITH THE DECENCY TO LOOK LIKE A

DANGEROUS MANIAC THE FIRST TIME

YOU MEET HIM.

LADIES, IF YOU ARE ON A DATE

WITH MANSON, YOU'D KNOW RIGHT AT

THE RESTAURANT, RIGHT AT THE

TABLE, "I HAVE MADE A HUGE

ERROR."

(LAUGHTER)

"WHY IS HE BUTTERING THE BACK OF

THAT CHAIR?"

"HE JUST ASKED FOR THE

CHILDREN'S MENU AND HE ORDERED

A CHILD.

CHECK!"

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

I THINK ON A FIRST DAY, WE

SHOULDN'T HAVE A DINNER TABLE.

YOU KNOW WHAT WE NEED FOLKS?

WE NEED A CARD TABLE.

A MAN AND A WOMAN MEET AT

A CARD TABLE, WRITE DOWN ALL

THEIR LITTLE EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS

ON LITTLE PLAYING CARDS,

TAKE TURNS BEING HONEST,

SLAPPING THEM DOWN.

THE GUY GOES FIRST, "HELLO, IT'S

NICE TO MEET YOU, MY NAME IS TOM

AND I'M A SCORPIO."

SHE GOES, "HELLO, MY NAME IS

SALLY.

AND I'M A PSYCHO!"

(LAUGHTER)

"OKAY, HUH, MY TURN.

A-HEM.

MY FATHER USED TO LOCK ME

IN A CLOSET WHEN I WAS THREE."

"MY DAD CAME OUT OF THE CLOSET

WHEN I WAS FOUR."

(LAUGHTER)

"WELL, I'M SELF-CENTERED

AND A OBSESSED WITH MY PHYSICAL

APPEARANCE."

"I'M FROM LOS ANGELES AS WELL."

(LAUGHTER)

"WELL, I CAN'T HAVE AN ORGASM

UNLESS I'M ON TOP."

"I CAN'T HAVE AN ORGASM UNLESS

I'M ON CRACK."

(LAUGHTER)

"ALL RIGHT, WELL, LISTEN, A-HEM,

A I HAVE AN IMAGINARY FRIEND

NAMED BOSCO."

"YOU KNOW BOSCO?"

(LAUGHTER)

"ALL RIGHT, LOOK, I'M NEUROTIC.

I NEED TO SEE OTHER PEOPLE."

"I'M SCHIZOPHRENIC.

I AM OTHER PEOPLE!"

"ALL RIGHT TAKE THE POT YOU WIN.

I'M OUTTA HERE.

GOODBYE."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

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