Amy Schumer - Amy Jewmer

  • Season 14 , Ep 14
  • 01/11/2010
  • Views: 35,503

Amy Schumer's mother found the one town where their family had to be Jews underground. (2:35)

I GREW UP -- I WASTHE ONLY JEWISH KID IN MY TOWN,

AND I GREW UP ON LONG ISLAND.

DO YOU GUYS KNOWWHAT THAT MEANS?

MY MOM FOUND THE ONE TOWN

WHERE WE HAD TO BE JEWS,LIKE, UNDERGROUND.

SHE WAS LIKE,"WRITE IN THIS DIARY."

I WAS LIKE, "WHAT?"

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I'M LIKE, "DEAR KITTY."

BUT, NO, I TOTALLY -- THE KIDSDIDN'T CALL ME AMY SCHUMER.

THEY CALLED ME AMY "JEWMER."

AND ONE SUMMER --I'LL NEVER FORGET THIS --

ALL THE KIDS TOOK TURNS THROWINGHANDFULS OF PENNIES AT ME.

I KNOW.

I WAS LIKE, "EXCUSE ME.

THIS IS AWESOME!OH, MY GOD!"

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THIS IS LIKE THE WELL SCENEIN "GOONIES"!

I WAS LIKE, "MAKE IT RAIN!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

THE BEGINNING OF "DUCK TALES."

I WAS LIKE... ♪ WHOO HOO

SUCH A GOOD SUMMER, BUT, UH...

NO, I-I REALLY AM.

I'M COOL WITH ALL RACES,ALL RELIGIONS,

EXCEPT FOR SOME OF YOU,AND, UH...

NO, BUT I WAS ON THE SUBWAYNOT THAT LONG AGO.

THERE WAS THIS LITTLE OLD WOMANSITTING NEXT TO ME.

YOU KNOW WHEN THEY GET,LIKE, REALLY LITTLE AND OLD?

LIKE, SHE LOOKED LIKE A RAISIN.

I WAS LIKE, "AW!I WANT TO PUT YOU IN MY CEREAL!"

BUT ANYWAY,THIS WOMAN ON THE SUBWAY --

GUYS, WHEN I SAY SHE WAS OLD,LIKE, SHE WAS IN DOWNWARD DOG.

I WAS LIKE, "WHY IS YOUR BODYASKING A QUESTION?"

BUT, UM...

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO, OUT OF NOWHERE, SHE ASKS ME,SHE WAS LIKE,

"HAVE YOU HEARD THE GOOD NEWS?"

AND I DIDN'T KNOWWHAT SHE MEANT.

I WAS JUST LIKE, "NO."

LIKE, "IS THE MORNING-AFTER PILLOVER-THE-COUNTER AGAIN?"

LIKE, WHAT'S --FOR SOME OF US, IT'S PLAN "A."

[ LAUGHTER ]

I WAS EXCITED, YOU KNOW?

BUT I'M JUST LIKE,"WHAT'S THE GOOD NEWS?

LIKE, FILL ME IN, BLANCHE."AND SHE'S LIKE, "NO."

SHE WAS LIKE, "COME TOTHE TIMES SQUARE CHURCH."

SHE WAS -- SHE WAS TRYINGTO SAVE ME, YOU KNOW?

SO, AS NICELY AS I COULD,I WAS LIKE,

"MA'AM, I'M SO SORRY,BUT MY PEOPLE ARE JEWISH."

AND SHE'S LIKE, "THAT'S OKAY.

YOUR PEOPLE JUST HAVEN'T FOUNDJESUS YET."

AND I WAS LIKE, "UM...NO.

LIKE, WE FOUND HIM."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

"MAYBE YOU HAVEN'T HEARDTHE BAD NEWS."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

SO HARD.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

SHE DIED IN MY ARMS, BUT, UM...

REALLY SAD, BUT...

[ LAUGHTER ]

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