Hannibal Buress - Moved to New York City

  • Season 3 , Ep 2
  • 07/27/2012
  • Views: 27,920

Hannibal Buress applied for a job at Starbucks because his life was in shambles. (2:55)

I DIDN'T REALLY MOVETO NEW YORK,

I JUST POPPED UP IN NEW YORK

'CAUSE MY SISTERWAS LIVING HERE.

I JUST POPPED OVER TO HER PLACE."HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?

I HAVE $200 AND DREAMS,LET'S DO THIS."

I JUST POPPED AT HER--I WAS RUDE AS HELL.

SO THEY KICKED ME OUTAFTER TWO WEEKS.

AND SO I WAS PACKING UP,AND MY SISTER SAID,

"WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO,HANNIBAL?

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?"

I SAID, "DON'T WORRYWHAT I'M ABOUT TO DO.

YOU JUST KICKED ME OUT."

IT'S LIKE IF YOU SHOT SOMEBODY,POW, POW.

"SO WHAT HOSPITALARE YOU GOING TO?

YOU GOT HEALTH INSURANCE?YOU GOT HMO OR PPO?

YOU SHOULD GET SOME GAUZEOR NEOSPORIN ON THOSE GUNSHOTS."

SO I WAS IN NEW YORK.I HAD TO FIND A JOB.

I APPLIED FOR A JOBAT STARBUCKS.

ONE OF THE QUESTIONS WAS

"WHY DO YOU WANNA WORKAT STARBUCKS?

UH, BECAUSE MY LIFEIS IN SHAMBLES.

STUFF ISN'T GOING HOW I THOUGHTIT'D BE GOING.

THAT $200 IS GONE.

I MEAN, I WAS JUST TRYING TOCRASH WHEREVER I COULD CRASH,

AND I WAS HANGING OUTWITH SOME OTHER COMEDIANS

AND WE WERE ATTHIS GIRL'S PLACE HANGING OUT,

SMOKING AND DRINKING.

HER PLACE WAS SO DISGUSTING.

IT WAS THE MOST DISGUSTINGPLACE I EVER BEEN IN.

AND EVERYBODY BOUNCED,AND SHE SAID,

"HANNIBAL, YOU CAN CRASH HEREIF YOU WANT TO."

AND I SAID,"NO, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M JUST GO SLEEP ON THE TRAIN."

I'LL TAKE MY CHANCESLEEPING AROUND STRANGERS.

I WAS ON THE TRAIN,

I MADE EYE CONTACTWITH THIS WOMAN.

THE TRAIN STOPPED,

AND SHE GOT OFFAND MOVED TO ANOTHER CAR.

IT WAS A GOOD MOVEON HER PART,

BECAUSE I DEFINITELY WAS ABOUTTO PULL MY (bleep) OUT.

SO GREAT INTUITIONRANDOM LADY ON A TRAIN.

GOOD CALL,BUT IT WAS MY MOVE NOW.

I GOT LEGS TOO.WHAT'S UP?

YOU'RE NOT GONNA FOIL MY CREEPYPLANS THAT EASILY.

I'M DEDICATED TO THIS.

I WAS WAITING FOR THE TRAINAND I FELL ASLEEP,

AND I WOKE UP,

AND THERE WAS A GUY SITTINGTWO SEATS AWAY FROM ME,

BUT HE WAS WEARING MY HAT.

(laughter)

AND I WOKE HIM AND I SAID,"HEY, MAN, THAT'S MY HAT."

AND HE SAID,"YOU GAVE ME THE HAT!"

WHICH MEANS EITHERI'M JUST REALLY GENEROUS

WHEN I'M SLEEPING.

"HEY, MAN,THAT'S A COOL HAT."

"WHATEVER, LEAVE ME ALONE.TAKE THE HAT."

EITHER I'M GENEROUSWHEN I'M SLEEPING,

OR HE'S THE BOLDEST THIEF EVER.

'CAUSE HOW BOLD IS IT TO STEALSOMETHING FROM SOMEBODY

AND THEN FALL ASLEEPWEARING THE THINGS

THAT YOU STOLE FROM THEMTWO SEATS AWAY,

LIKE, "WHATEVER,I HAVE NO FEARS."

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