Matt Fulchiron - High Maintenance

Matt Fulchiron Season 15, Ep 11 02/25/2011 Views: 8,319

You might hate Matt Fulchiron's joke today, but you will be quoting it tomorrow. (2:32)

like I was some kind ofprivate detective

or some [deleted].

I was checking in.

They were like,"Do you want a bathroom

"or no bathroom?"

I was like, "Uh, I thinkI'll take a bathroom."

You know me,so high maintenance.

[audience laughing]

Always pissin'in a toilet bowl

like I wasthe King of England.

Call me pampered.

I hate wearin' Pampers.

I thinkit's disgusting.

That's the onlydiaper joke I do.

I do it just in casethere's a row full of babies

in the back.

And one of themstands up and goes,

"Finally, a comedianthat knows what the [deleted]

"I'm talking about."

[cheers and applause]

My friend Eddie wants meand my girlfriend

to have a baby.

Which, I can'tafford a baby.

I can't even affordan abortion.

[audience laughing]

Not this month.

I am pro-lifeby default.

Like physically,not mentally.

But physically--I gotta keep that thing.

And I don't- I don't knowhow to raise a baby.

It acts up you gottakick it in the face.

I don't havethe stomach for that.

I like, uh, I like having,uh, girlfriends.

I don't likegoing out on dates,

spending moneyjust not to get laid.

I gotta girlfriend.

I can not get laidfor free.

Thank you very much.

Further insuring I will neverget laid once this airs.

[audience laughing]

I like to impress girls,though.

Holy [deleted]just look at me.

You catch more flieswith honey...

but you catch more honeyswhen you're fly.

[cheers and applause]

Am I wrong about that?

You might hatethat joke today

but you'll stillquote it tomorrow.

I don't know why that is.

Been on terribledates, ya'll.

Went on a datewith this one girl,

asked her what she wantedto be when she grew up

'cause she was onlylike 28-years-old.

And she was like,"I wanna be like a volunteer

"but like, I wannaget paid for it."

And I was like, "Uh,I think you wanna be

"an employee."

[audience laughing]

Hate to get all tricky withmy English and [deleted]

but that's whatyou wanna be.

Say that from now on.

That's howthat sentence goes.

She flipped it on meall like it was a pancake.

She's like, "How doyour parents feel about

"you being such a loser?"

I was like, "Pffft...I haven't told 'em yet."

[audience laughing]