Greg Giraldo - Raising Kids

Season 1 , Ep 0101 12/08/02 Views: 11,117

People always want to compare their dogs to kids. (2:10)

I HAVE TWO KIDS.AND, MAN, IT'S BRUTAL.

IT'S SO HARD TO RAISE KIDS,IT'S SO MUCH HARDER THAN I EVEN

THOUGHT.

AND I WAS TELLING SOMEONE HOWHARD IT IS AND THE GUY TOLD ME,

YEAH, I KNOW.

I DON'T HAVE ANY KIDS BUT I HAVEDOGS AND I KNOW HOW HARD IT IS

WITH DOGS, A LOT OFRESPONSIBILITY.

PEOPLE ALWAYS WANT TO COMPARETHEIR DOGS TO HAVING KIDS.

THAT'S INSULTING.

FIRST OF ALL, NOBODY HAS A DOGBECAUSE THEY WERE TOO DRUNK

TO PULL OUT.

ALRIGHT, THAT'S THE FIRST THING.

[LAUGHTER AND GROANING]IT'S JUST A FACT.

YOU KNOW.

NOBODY'S HAVING A THREE-DAYFIGHT WITH THEIR WIFE ABOUT

WHETHER OR NOT TO CIRCUMCISETHE DOG 'CAUSE THAT'S A BIG

DECISION NOW.

YOU GOT TO DECIDE TO GET THEMCIRCUMCISED.

EVEN BEFORE THE KIDS ARE BORNYOU HAVE TO MAKE THESE

DECISIONS, YOU KNOW?

IF IT'S A BOY, DO WE GET HIMCIRCUMCISED?

IF IT IS A GIRL DO WE KEEP HER?

IT'S A HARD DECISION TO MAKE.

[LAUGHTER AND GROANS]YOU GOT TO DECIDE THESE THINGS.

AND A DOCTOR WAS TELLING ME THATA LOT OF PEOPLE AREN'T GETTING

THEIR KIDS CIRCUMCISED.

A LOT OF PEOPLE AREN'T DOING IT.

HOW MANY PEOPLE AREN'T DOING IT?

I'M NOT LOOKING AT BEING ATRENDSETTER WHEN IT COMES TO MY

KID'S PENIS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I DON'T WANT MY KID TO BE THEONLY ONE IN THE LOCKER ROOM WITH

A SCHLONG THAT LOOKS LIKE IT ISABOUT TO ROB A BANK.

I'M NOT LOOKING TO MAKE ANYSTATEMENTS.

[APPLAUSE]AND THEN, UH...

YOU GOT TO BREAST FEED...

THAT'S A BIG THING.

YOU GOT TO BREAST-FEED.

AND IF YOU'RE NOT THE ONEBREAST-FEEDING, THEN YOU LOSE

ALL POWER IN EVERY RELATIONSHIP.

'CAUSE IT'S LIKE WELL,I'M EARTH MOTHER, I SUSTAIN LIFE

WITH JUST MY NATURAL BODY.

I'M A GODDESS.

I DID ALL THE BREAST-FEEDING.

OF COURSE YOU DID ALL THEBREAST-FEEDING, YOU HAVE ALL THE

BREASTS.

OF COURSE YOU HAVE...

WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?

AND THEY TELL YOU TO DO ITFOREVER NOW.

IT'S LIKE YOU HAVE TOBREAST FEED FOR LIKE YEARS.

EVERY DAY THERE IS A NEW STUDYIN THE PAPER ON THE MAGICAL

POWERS OF BREAST-FEEDING.

IT'S LIKE YOU HAVE MAGICALPOWERS IN THOSE BREASTS,

IT'S LIKE, HEY, IF YOU NURSEDFOR FIVE YEARS, THAT KID WOULD

LEARN TO FLY, HE REALLY WILL,STICK WITH IT.

AND THAT'S TOO LONG, YOU KNOW,BECAUSE AT THE BEGINNING MY WIFE

NURSED OUR SON UNTIL HE WASA LITTLE OVER A YEAR OLD

AND THAT'S TOO LONG.

AT THE BEGINNING IT'S CUTE.

THERE'S AN ADORABLE LITTLE BABYTHERE.

BUT BY ELEVEN, TWELVE MONTHS,THERE'S A DUDE THERE NOW.

YOU KNOW?

THERE IS SOME LITTLE DUDE JUSTSLOBBERING ALL OVER MY WIFE'S

BREASTS IN MY OWN HOUSE ANDHE'S, YOU KNOW, LISTEN HE'S MY

SON AND I LOVE HIM MORE THANANYTHING BUT IT GOT A LITTLE

AWKWARD BETWEEN US.

I'M NOT GONNA LIE TO YOU.

YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, APPLAUSE]IT GOT A LITTLE AWKWARD.

I'D WALK INTO THE ROOM,WE'D LOCK EYES, HE'D BE LIKE...

[LAUGHTER]

Loading...