Laurie Kilmartin - Dating an Immigrant

Mirman, Friedlander, O'Neal, Kilmartin Season 5, Ep 501 11/23/2001 Views: 2,140

Russian immigrants: don't skip 'em 'cause they talk funny. (2:30)

I AM IN LOVE.

MY BOYFRIEND, WHO I MET HERE IN

NEW YORK, IS FROM RUSSIA.

YEAH.

IS ANYONE ELSE DOING THAT?

DATING AN IMMIGRANT?

OH.

YEAH!

YEAH.

DON'T SKIP 'EM 'CAUSE THEY TALK

FUNNY.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YEAH.

JUST 'CAUSE YOUR AMERICAN

IS GOODER THAN THEIRS BE.

I TELL YOU, THE BEST THING ABOUT

DATING AN IMMIGRANT IS YOU'RE

ALWAYS GONNA ARGUE WITH

SOMEBODY.

BUT NOTHING HELPS YOU WIN AN

ARGUMENT LIKE HAVING THE I.N.S.

ON SPEED DIAL.

(LAUGHTER)

YES.

OH, YEAH.

OH, YEAH.

YEAH.

HE GIVES ME BACK TALK,

I POINT TO THE PHONE.

I GO, "DON'T MAKE ME DIAL 7".

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

HE'S GETTING READY FOR HIS

CITIZENSHIP TEST.

SO I'M HELPING HIS STUDY.

AND I'M GIVING HIM POP QUIZZES

ON THE CONSTITUTION.

SO THE OTHER DAY I GO,

"ALL RIGHT, HONEY.

SECOND AMENDMENT, WHAT IS IT?"

(RUSSIAN ACCENT)

"SECOND AMENDMENT IS

RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS.

AND, AH, SECOND AMENDMENT

IS ACTUALLY MOST IMPORTANT

AMENDMENT IN AMERICAN

CONSTITUTION."

AND I GO, "YOU THINK SO?

YOU THINK IT'S MORE IMPORTANT

THAN THE FIRST AMENDMENT WHICH

IS "FREEDOM OF SPEECH"?

AND HE GOES, "YOU DON'T NEED

FIRST AMENDMENT.

YOU CAN SAY WHATEVER YOU WANT

WHEN YOU HAVE A GUN."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

"I THINK YOU'RE GONNA PASS.

AND I THING YOU'RE GONNA BE

VOTED GOVERNOR OF TEXAS FOR

LIFE."

YEAH.

YES.

(APPLAUSE)

HE'S PRETTY AMERICANIZED.

YOU KNOW THE TIME I CAN REALLY

TELL HE'S FROM THE SOVIET UNION

IS WHEN I TAKE HIM ON THE ROAD.

'CAUSE HOW HE PACKS.

HE PACKS LIKE WE'RE FLEEING OVER

THE BERLIN WALL.

HE'LL BE BRING LIKE,

WIRE CUTTERS, AND A KNIFE...

AND THE PASSPORT OF A DEAD MAN.

I'M LIKE, "HONEY.

WE'RE GOING TO NEW JERSEY.

JUST BRING THE KNIFE."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)