I ALWAYS GET A LITTLE WORRIED

BEFORE A SHOW.

I DID A SHOW AT A COLLEGE NOT

TOO LONG AGO.

IT WAS ACTUALLY A PRIVATE SHOW

FOR A FRATERNITY.

AND THEY DIDN'T LIKE ME 'CAUSE

I TOLD 'EM I WAS NEVER IN A

FRAT, YOU KNOW?

AND I COULD HAVE BEEN IF I'DA

JUST HELD THAT EGG IN MY ASS

EIGHT SECONDS LONGER.

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS LIKE, "OH, NO!

[LAUGHTER]

NOW HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO MAKE

FRIENDS?"

[LAUGHTER]

EVERY TIME I DO A SHOW AT A

COLLEGE, I ALWAYS MEET ONE OF

THOSE SUPER ACHIEVER.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT?

PEOPLE THAT BRAG THEY'RE GETTING

OUT OF COLLEGE EARLY.

IS THAT THE WORD?

YOU HEAR SOMEONE DO THAT?

"YEAH, I'M GONNA TAKE A DOUBLE

LOAD NEXT SEMESTER.

I'M GONNA GO DOUBLE, I'M GONNA

DOUBLE UP.

[LAUGHTER]

GONNA GO TO SUMMER SCHOOL,

I'M GONNA TAKE CLASSES 8 TO 5

EVERY DAY.

I'M OUT OF COLLEGE IN THREE

YEARS.

FOUR-YEAR DEGREE, THREE YEARS!

I'M OUT, GOOD-BYE!"

[LAUGHTER]

HEY, SLOW DOWN SPEED RACER.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S NOT A CONTEST.

YOU DON'T GET A PRIZE IF YOU

FINISH COLLEGE FIRST.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU GET?

A JOB AND A BOSS.

YOU FRICKIN' LOSE!

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

WHO IS ADVISING THESE KIDS,

YOU KNOW?

WHAT ARE THEY THINKIN'?

"OOH, I CAN'T WAIT TO GET UP

EXTRA EARLY EVERY DAY FOREVER!"

[LAUGHTER]

SHIRT AND TIE, RUSH HOUR

TRAFFIC, CUBICLE, BOSS

BITCHIN' AT ME, CASUAL FRIDAY,

LOOK OUT!

[LAUGHTER]

I CAN'T WAIT TO BE CASUAL.

[LAUGHTER]

I THINK THAT'S FUNNY, GROWNUPS

LOOKIN' FORWARD TO CASUAL

FRIDAY.

I FIGURE THERE'S GOTTA BE ONE

GUY REALLY INTO IT, YOU KNOW?

HE'S AT HOME WITH A CALENDAR.

"WEDNESDAY'S DONE.

[LAUGHTER]

ONE MORE DAY AND THEN LOOK OUT.

I HAVE GOT A POLO SHIRT THAT'S

GONNA TAKE THEIR [BLEEP] HEADS

OFF.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HELLO, LADIES, WOULD YOU LIKE

TO MEET MY FRIEND RALPH?

RALPH LAUREN.

[LAUGHTER]