Nick Swardson - Costumes & Fundraising

Season 1 , Ep 103 11/06/10 Views: 51,165

After hearing a waiter's plans for his grim Halloween costume, Nick Swardson can't wait to share it with Doug Benson. (3:14)

- OKAY, YEAH, TELL ME.

- THIS IS A SPECIAL THINGFOR DOUG,

'CAUSE THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

- EVERYONE ELSE JUST HANG OUTFOR A SECOND.

THIS IS JUST FOR ME.- JUST RELAX.

NO, THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

AND I--IT MADE ME SO HAPPY.

I HAD BREAKFAST AT A DINERTHIS MORNING.

AND MY WAITER AT THE DINER,I WAS, LIKE,

YOU KNOW,MAKING CONVERSATION.

I'M, LIKE, "WHAT ARE YOU GOINGTO BE FOR HALLOWEEN?"

AND THIS IS 100% TRUE STORY.WEST HOLLYWOOD.

UH, THE WAITER GOES, "UM, WELL,IT'S DOWN TO TWO THINGS.

"I'M EITHERGONNA BE A SQUIRREL..."

[laughs]

IT'S ALREADY GOOD.- STOP.

YOU, YOU HAVE YOUR COSTUME.

I DON'T CARE--I DON'T CAREWHO THE NEXT ONE IS.

NO ONE'S GOINGAS A SQUIRREL.

YOU WILL REALLY--YOU WILL REALLY STAND OUT.

- YOU CAN'T EVEN FATHOMTHE REST OF IT.

HE GOES "I'M EITHER GONNA BEA SQUIRREL

OR A NAUGHTY AIDS NURSE."

WHAT?HOW IS THAT A COSTUME?

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

A "NAUGHTY AIDS NURSE."

IT'S, LIKE, FIRST OF ALL,WHAT'S THE NAUGHTY PART OF THAT?

LIKE, "OH, AIDS."LIKE, WHAT THE [bleep]?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?- IT'S A SMALL OUTFIT.

IT'S A SEXY TIGHT OUTFIT.THAT'S THE SEXY PART.

BUT THEN AIDS NURSE,THERE'S NO SEXY PART.

- THERE'S NOTHING SEXYABOUT THAT.

- I'VE NEVER SEEN--I'VE NEVER SEEN A SEXY NURSE

WITH A SPECIFIC...

- LIKE GENRE OF DISEASE.- LIKE A SPECIFIC THING.

YEAH. LIKE,"OH, I'M A SEXY CARDIOLOGIST."

- OH."I'M A SULTRY TUMOR NURSE."

IT'S, LIKE, "WHAT THE F--WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

- "SULTRY TUMOR NURSE."

[as Arnold Schwarzenegger]IT'S NOT A TUMOR.

BUT ALSO,WHEN YOU HAVE A CHOICE

BETWEEN A SQUIRREL OR...

- IT'S SO DIFFERENT!- OR A SEXY--

- A SQUIRREL OR A NAUGHTY AIDS--

LIKE, WHAT ARE YOUTALKING ABOUT?

- NAUGHTY AIDS NURSEOR SQUIRREL,

HONESTLY, WHICH ONE DO YOU THINKIS GONNA GET MORE NUTS?

- ♪ OH

AND THAT'S WHY WE'RE HERE.- BOOM.

- AND THAT'S WHY WE'RE HERE.

- IT HAS BEEN DECREED.

- SOMEBODY ASKED MEIF I DID THE AIDS WALK

AND I SAID "EVERY TIME I WALKIS AN AIDS WALK."

- YOU LOOKLIKE YOU'RE STRETCHING

FOR AN AIDS WALK RIGHT NOW.

- OH...

PEOPLE ASK ME TODO CHARITY ALL THE TIME,

WHICH I THINK IS COOL,BUT I DON'T HAVE THE PATIENCE

TO DO IT--IT'S JUST, LIKE--

IT'S ALWAYS, LIKE,MARATHONS OR RUNS OR WALKS.

LIKE, WHY CAN'T IT BEMORE RELAXED?

LIKE, WHY CAN'T CHARITY BE,LIKE, AN AIDS NAP?

OR, LIKE...[laughter]

WHY CAN'T WE LOUNGEFOR HAITI?

LET'S JUST LOUNGE AROUND.

WHY DO I HAVE TO RUN AROUNDLIKE AN ASS[bleep]?

- YEAH, HOW 'BOUT, LIKE--- JUST EVERYONE JUST RELAX.

- HOW ABOUT A WATCH A MOVIEYOU WERE GONNA WATCH ANYWAY

FOR CANCER?

- YES! EXACTLY!

- THAT WOULDN'T BE SO BAD.

- HBO FOR CANCER.[laughter]

- CALM DOWN.

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