Tom Papa - Cheating

  • Season 11 , Ep 9
  • 02/15/2007
  • Views: 15,975

Good relationships are built on paranoia and suspicion. (3:22)

THAT'S THE WHOLE SECRET.FIND SOMEONE TO LOVE.

THAT'S IT. THEY SAY RELATIONSHIPS ARE BUILT ON TRUST.

YOU KNOW-- THAT'S A LIE.

GOOD RELATIONSHIPS ARE BUILT ON PARANOIA AND SUSPICION.

IT'S TRUE. IT KEEPS YOUR PARTNER IN LINE.

MY LIFE LOVES ME, WANTS TO TRUST ME.

THINKS I'M FOOLING AROUND ON HER

IN MY OWN HOUSE WHILE SHE'S IN IT.

THE THING SHE ASKS ME MORE THEN ANYTHING ELSE IS,

"WHERE ARE YOU GOING?" IF I GET UP TO GET A COOKIE, "WHERE ARE YOU GOING?"

JUST ROLL OVER IN BED, "WHERE ARE YOU GOING?"

TWO O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING IN MY UNDERWEAR

GETTING UP TO GO TO THE BATHROOM,

SHE'LL POP UP OUT OF A DEAD SLEEP, "WERE ARE YOU GOING?"

"WHERE AM I GOING? TO HAVE SEX WITH THE MIDGET

I STORED IN THE MEDICINE CABINET."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

AND I KNOW YOU LADIES SAY YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO ASK ALL THE TIME

IF ALL YOU MEN DIDN'T CHEAT. BUT ALL MEN ARE CHEATERS.

THAT'S A LIE, TOO. ALL MEN DON'T CHEAT.

ALL MEN WANT TO CHEAT,REALLY, REALLY BADLY...

FROM THE FIRST DATETO THE 50th ANNIVERSARY.IT'S THIS CRAZY DNA.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO I'M ATTRACTED TO ANYMORE.

I DON'T. MY WIFE THINKS SHE KNOWS MY TYPE.

WE'LL SEE SOMEONE LIKE NICOLE KIDMAN ON TV--

"OH YOU LIKE HER DON'T YOU? YOU WANNA BE WITH HER."

"YEAH, I DO." "YOU KNOW WHO ELSE I WANT TO BE WITH?

- EVERYBODY ELSE." - [LAUGHTER]

BRITNEY, J-LO, MARGE AT THE BANK.

YEAH, SHE'S ABOUT 65, HAS A WIG,

WEARS A RED HOLIDAY SWEATERALL YEAR ROUND.

SOMETIMES I THINK ABOUT MARGE. AND IT'S DIRTY.

THE HARDEST PART ABOUTFINDING SOMEONE TO LOVE

IS FINDING SOMEONEWHO YOU CAN EVEN TRUST.

EVERYONE'S SO FULL OF IT. EVERYONE'S JUST LYING.

AS SOON AS YOU HOOK UP,"I DON'T WATCH FOOTBALL

OR EAT MEAT. I'M WITH YOU NOW."

FIVE YEARS LATER, "GET ME A HOT DOG, BITCH, THE GAME'S ON."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

JUST DON'T BE SO DAMN PICKY.THAT'S THE THING.

EVERYONE'S WAITING FOR THEIR SOUL MATE.

"I'M WAITING FOR MY SOUL MATE.

OH YEAH HE'S NICE, BUT HE'S NOT MY SOUL MATE."

DOESN'T EXIST. FIND SOMEONE YOU CAN TOLERATE,

HOW ABOUT THAT? REALLY, JUST SETTLE, SETTLE.

THEY'RE SETTLING FOR YOU, YOU SETTLE FOR THEM.

FIND SOMEONE YOU CAN SLEEP NEXT TO WITHOUT THROWING UP

AND MARRY THEM. IT'S TRUE.

- WE'RE ALL DISGUSTING. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WE'RE ALL DISGUSTING WHEN WE SLEEP.

EVERYONE IN HERE-- DIFFERENT DEGREES--

BUT YOU ARE DISGUSTING. YOU ARE.

YOU EVER SEE YOUR OLD PILLOW WITHOUT ITS PILLOWCASE?

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, IT LOOKS LIKE A BANDAGE FROM THE CIVIL WAR.

APPARENTLY AS SOON AS WE CLOSE OUR EYES,

- WE'RE LEAKING BATTERY ACID. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MY WIFE SLEEPS WITH HER MOUTH WIDE OPEN-- AAAA!!!

GOES TO SLEEP LIKE AN ANGEL; ENDS UP LIKE A WALRUS-- AAAA!!!

I DON'T KNOW WHETHER I SHOULD KISS HER OR TOSS FISH AT HER.

AND SHE DOES THAT HALF EYE OPEN THING

JUST TO SCARE THE CRAP OUT OF ME.

- GNAAA!!! - [LAUGHTER]

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