Billy Gardell - Drinking on the Job

  • Season 12 , Ep 23
  • 06/06/2008
  • Views: 40,101

You can't drink on the job unless you're a pilot or a tanker captain. (3:04)

HOW COOL IS THAT?

NOT A LOT OF JOBSYOU CAN DRINK AT WORK --

WELL, UNLESS YOU'RE A PILOTOR A TANKER CAPTAIN.

THOSE GUYS CAN JUST...

YOU GUYS READABOUT THOSE AIRLINE PILOTS

THAT WERE GETTING LOADED

AND LANDING PEOPLEIN THE WRONG CITY?

[ CHUCKLES ]

I DON'T HAVE A JOKE FOR THAT.I JUST THINK IT'S FUNNY.

YOU SEE THEM UPIN THE COCKPIT --

"PUT THEM DOWN IN CLEVELAND!

"THEY CAN GO TOTHE ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF FAME

FOR ALL I GIVE A..."

I UNDERSTAND HOW YOU GET DRUNKAND YOU CRASH A PLANE

OR YOU WRECK A BARGE.

IT ALWAYS MAKES ME LAUGHWHEN THESE GUYS GET LOADED

AND CRASH A TRAIN.

IT'S ON RAILS.

THERE'S ONE LEVER UP FRONT --FASTER, SLOWER, FASTER, SLOWER.

"WHAT HAPPENED?""I WENT LIKE THAT."

I WANT TO THANK YOUFOR GETTING AWAY

FROM YOUR BUTTONSTHIS EVENING, MAN.

LIVE ENTERTAINMENTIS THE LAST THING WE HAVE

THAT YOU NEEDAN ATTENTION SPAN FOR,

AND I APPRECIATEYOU COMING DOWN HERE.

IT'S MOVING TOO FAST FOR ME.

SEE, I'M GLAD I'M THE AGE I AM,'CAUSE IF YOU'RE OVER 35,

TECHNOLOGY CAN'T REALLY GET YOU.

YOU LOOK AT TECHNOLOGY LIKE,

"I CAN'T FIGURE THAT OUT --TURN THE RADIO ON.

I DON'T KNOWWHAT YOU'RE DOING THERE."

I'M A LITTLE WORRIEDABOUT KIDS, MAN.

THEY START KIDSON COMPUTERS AT 6 NOW.

LOOK, HOW ABOUT SOMEHIDE-AND-GO-SEEK?

HOW ABOUT SOME WATER BALLOONS?

WE DON'T NEED TO BE CLICK,DRAGGING,

AND DROPPINGRIGHT OUT OF THE WOMB.

IT DOESN'T NEED TOHAPPEN RIGHT OUT OF THE WOMB.

YOU UNDERSTAND?

THE OTHER DAY,I WAS AT THE MALL.

I SAW A 9-YEAR-OLD GIRLTEXT-MESSAGING HER FRIEND.

WHEN I WAS 9,YOU TOOK A PIECE OF PAPER,

FOLDED IT INTO A DIAMOND.

YOU GO, "OKAY, PICK A COLOR.B-L-U-E."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YOU FLIP IT UP.YOU GO, "WHAT'S IT SAY?"

"YOU'RE AN IDIOT.I GOT TO GO TO CLASS."

YOU SEEN A KIDRIDE A BICYCLE LATELY?

MY GOD, COULD WE GETSOME MORE SAFETY GEAR ON THEM?

GOT A HELMET,A FLAK JACKET, ELBOW PADS.

I DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING.

FIRST TIME I WENT DOWN A HILL,INTO A TREE,

I KNEW, "NEXT TIMEI'M IN THIS AREA, SLOW DOWN!"

IT'S A SELF-TEACHING PROCESS.

MY BIKE DIDN'T HAVEANY SAFETY GEAR.

I DIDN'T EVEN HAVETWO GOOD PEDALS.

I HAD A PEDAL AND THAT METAL BARYOU HAD TO RUB YOUR FOOT ON.

IF SOMETHING FELL OFF MY BIKE,MY DADDY WOULD GO,

"YOU DON'T NEED THAT ON THEREANYWAY -- DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

THAT'S HOW THEY JACKTHE COST UP. GET OUTSIDE."

WHEN THEY SAID "GET OUTSIDE"WHEN I WAS A KID, THEY MEANT IT.

THEY LOCKED THE DOOR.THEY DIDN'T CARE WHERE YOU WERE.

YOU WERE ON AN ADVENTURE.

AND IF IT WAS THE MIDDLEOF SUMMER AND YOU WERE THIRSTY,

NOBODY COME RUNNING WITH ABOTTLE OF WATER TO HYDRATE YOU.

WHAT DID YOU DRINK OUT OF?

Woman: HOSE!THE HOSE.

YOU'RE SITTINGON THE SIDE OF THE HOUSE

TRYING TO GET THAT WATERTO COOL DOWN TO 80

SO YOU DIDN'TBLISTER YOUR TONGUE.

YOU'RE SITTING THERE HAPPY ASHELL DRINKING MERCURY AND METAL.

LUM, LUM, LUM.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

IT WORKED, 'CAUSE I AIN'TALLERGIC TO ANYTHING.

WE'RE A LITTLE TOO SOFTTHESE DAYS.

THERE'S A GROUP IN CALIFORNIA

THAT'S PETITIONINGLITTLE LEAGUES

SO THAT THE OUTFIELD BATTERSCAN'T HECKLE THE KID AT BAT

'CAUSE IT MIGHTHURT HIS SELF-ESTEEM.

LOOK, I'M FROM PITTSBURGH.

THAT'S A LONG WAY FROM WHENI STEPPED IN THE BATTER'S BOX

AND THE FIRST THING I HEARD WAS,"GARDELL, YOU SUCK!"

AND THAT WAS MY DAD, ALL RIGHT?

YOU NEED THAT. RIGHT?

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