Extended - Rapid Refresh - Scott Walker Visits Philly & Sarcasm Study - Uncensored

07/30/15 Views: 196

Matt Oberg, Suzi Barrett and Seth Morris write a real estate listing for the inside of a protestor's butt and give a backhanded compliment to scientists who study sarcasm. (4:08)

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RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(WHOOPING, CHEERING)NICE! OH, I LIKE YOUR

ENTHUSIASM.

I'M GLAD YOU'RE IN A GOOD PLACEEMOTIONALLY, BECAUSE IT'S TIME

FOR ANOTHER ROUND OF ACANDIDATE'S MOST TRANSPARENT

ATTEMPTS OF PANDERING TO THEELECTORATE-- IT'S PANDERDOME!

(WHOOPING)BOOM!

WHETHER IT'S ENJOYING A BOWL OFPOSSUM CHOWDER WITH LOCAL

AMPUTEES OR SHOVING A SLICE OFPIZZA IN THEIR MOUTH NEXT TO THE

GUY WHO PLAYED GREASY PETE ONTHE SOPRANOS, THERE'S NO B...

"THERE'S NO GREASY PETE ON THESOPRANOS!"

AW, FUCK YOU!

(LAUGHTER)THERE'S NO BETTER WAY FOR AN

OUT-OF-TOUCH CAREER POLITICIANTO COSPLAY AS A MAN OF THE

PEOPLE THAN DINING AT ADOWN-HOME EATERY.

THIS WEEK WISCONSIN GOVERNOR,SCOTT WALKER, VISITED AN ICONIC

PHILLY CHEESESTEAK JOINT, AND AFEW REPORTERS WERE THERE TO

TWEET ABOUT IT WHEN THEYPROBABLY SHOULD HAVE BEEN AT

WORK.

AS WE CAN SEE IN THIS PHOTO BYTHE PHILADELPHIA'S INQUIRER MATT

GELB, HE PATHETICALLY ONLYFINISHED 50% OF HIS SECOND

SANDWICH!

THAT'S LIKE A SANDWICH AND AHALF, PEOPLE!

THAT'S ALSO MUCH HIGHER THAN HOWHE'S CURRENTLY POLLING.

(LAUGHTER)THE FAMOUSLY HOSPITABLE CITIZENS

OF PHILADELPHIA-- WHO ONCE BOOEDSANTA, BY THE WAY-- WERE NOT

PARTICULARLY WELCOMING FOR THEWISCONSIN GOVERNOR.

HERE WE SEE TWO WRITERS FOR THENEW YORKER'S "SHOUTS AND

MURMURS" HOLDING SIGNS READING:"SCOTT WALKER LIVES INSIDE MY

BUTT" AND... "SCOTT WALKERSNIFFS HIS OWN POOP."

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)WE WOULD LIKE TO GREATLY THANK

THE WASHINGTON POST'S JENNAJOHNSON FOR THIS INCREDIBLE

TWIT-PICK. UH, COMED...

(MAN CHEERS)OH, YEAH!

GIVING JENNA SOME LOVE!

(APPLAUSE)>> WHOO!

>> HARDWICK: WHOO!

SO, COMEDIANS, IN LIGHT OF THISPHOTOGRAPH AND IN LIGHT OF WHAT

YOU KNOW ABOUT, UH, ABOUTCHEESESTEAK-GATE, I WOULD LIKE

YOU TO PLEASE GIVE US A ZILLOWREAL ESTATE LISTING FOR INSIDE

THAT GUY'S BUTT.

SETH.

>> PACKED WITH MORE SHIT THAN ASTORAGE UNIT.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY. POINTS.

(CHEERING, WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)SUZI BARRETT.

>> UH, LAST STOP OFF THE TUBE,BROWN LINE EXIT.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, POINTS.

MATT.

>> TONGUES OF HARDWOODTHROUGHOUT.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: OH, THAT'S AN

AMAZING JOKE.

(APPLAUSE)POINTS TO YOU, SIR.

UH, NOW WE'RE MOVING ON.

HERE'S A VERY VALUABLE PIECE OFNEWS-- A NEW STUDY CLAIMS THAT

SARCASM CAN BRUISE...

AW, FUCK MY FACE.

(LAUGHTER)>> OKAY.

>> HARDWICK: HERE'S A...

(GIBBERISH)(LAUGHTER, WHOOPING)

>> THIS A GOOD ANGLE?

>> HARDWICK: YOU WANNA...

YEAH, THIS IS GOOD.

THIS IS GOOD, THIS IS GOOD.

>> OKAY.

(LAUGHTER)(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)

>> OKAY. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

(WHOOPING CONTINUES)(APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

>> HARDWICK: AND NOW THAT I'VEBEEN SUFFICIENTLY FACE-FUCKED,

LET'S MOVE ON.

(LAUGHTER)HERE'S A REALLY VALUABLE PIECE

OF NEWS-- A NEW STUDY CLAIMSTHAT SARCASM CAN BOOST

BRAINPOWER.

WOW, GREAT RESEARCH PROJECT.

SOUNDS LIKE A REALLY SMARTALLOCATION OF SCIENTIFIC

RESOURCES. UH...

THAT STUDY SAYS THAT FORMULATINGAND PROCESSING SAR...

WHAT?

THE STUDY SAYS THAT FORMULATINGAND PROCESSING SARCASM REQUIRES

ADDITIONAL MENTAL EFFORT, WHICHINCREASES ABSTRACT THINKING

ABILITIES.

THIS EXPLAINS WHY SO MANY NOBELLAUREATES WORK BEHIND THE

COUNTER AT GAMESTOP.

SO COMEDIANS, PLEASE GIVE THEBRANIAC SCIENTIST BEHIND THIS

PAPER A SARCASTIC COMPLIMENT.

YES, MATT.

>> I TOTALLY MEANT TO READ YOURSTUDY, BRO, BUT THEN I

REMEMBERED I DON'T CARE AND IDON'T KNOW HOW TO READ.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, POINTS.

UH, SETH MORRIS.

>> OH, GREAT STUDY, GUYS.

LET ME GET OUT MY PRETENDWALLET AND MAKE IT PRETEND RAIN

ON YOU.

DON'T SPEND IT ALL IN ONE FAKEPLACE, YOU DUMMIES.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

SUZ... SUZI BARRETT.

>> THANK GOD FOR YOUR RESEARCH.

I AM SO GLAD THAT SOMEBODYFINALLY STEPPED UP AND KEPT

IGNORING AIDS.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

POINTS.

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