Jeff Joseph - No New Texas

Larry Miller & Jeff Joseph Season 1, Ep 0107 02/24/1992 Views: 1,046

George Bush doesn't want a new Texas. (3:41)

( applause )

A GOOD 12 PEOPLE.

THE REST OF YOU GOING TO VOTE?

Audience:NO!

WHAT A CALIFORNIA CROWD.

YEAH, WE'RE GOING TO VOTE

UNLESS IT'S LIKE REALLY SUNNYTHAT DAY OR SOMETHING.

( scattered applause )

YOU SCARE ME.

THIS IS A VERYIMPORTANT ELECTION.

YOU KNOW, WE WERE JUSTONE BAD JAPANESE MEAL AWAY

FROM QUAYLE BEING PRESIDENT.

IF QUAYLE WERE EVER PRESIDENT

GERALD FORD WOULD BEWALKING AROUND LIKE

"HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?"

( laughter )

AND WE HAVE TO GET BUSHOUT OF OFFICE.

BUSH DOES NOT GIVE A DAMNABOUT US.

HE DOESN'T.

( cheering )

ALL THOSE NON-VOTINGPEOPLE CLAPPING, YEAH.

HE DOESN'T.

YOU HEAR HIS NEWHEALTH CARE PLAN?

HE SAID, "MY NEWHEALTH CARE PLAN? STAY HEALTHY.

( laughter )

"LOOK AT MY WIFE, BARBARA--

600 YEARS OLD,NEVER SEEN A DOCTOR."

( applause )

"ME, I GET ANY SICKNESSOUT OF MY SYSTEM.

"I THROW IT UP--

CANCER, HEART PROBLEMS,THEY COME RIGHT OUT OF ME."

NOW HE'S TRYINGTO GET OUT OF THAT TAX SNAFU

HE DID A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO.

HE'S TRYING TO WRANGLEHIS WAY OUT OF THAT.

"I NEVER SAID, 'NO NEW TAXES.'

"I SAID, 'NO NEW TEXAS.'

"IT'S TOO BIG.

I'M HOLDING THE LINE RIGHTTHERE, NO NEW TEXAS."

BUT IT'S GOOD,BECAUSE BUCHANAN TREATS BUSH

LIKE BUSH USED TO TREAT DUKAKIS.

BUCHANAN JUST COMES OUT AND SAYS

"SO, MY COMMUNIST LIBERALFAGGOT OPPONENT OVER HERE..."

( applause, laughter )

AND IRON GEORGE,HE FIGHTS RIGHT BACK.

HE'S LIKE, "WAIT A MINUTE,I AM NOT A LIBERAL."

( laughter )

YEAH, WE GOT TO GET RID OF BUSH,WE GOT TO GET RID OF QUAYLE.

I DISLIKE QUAYLE, BECAUSE THEONLY REASON HE GOT THE JOB

IS BECAUSE HE KNEW WHEN TO LIE.

SAID HE WAS INTHE NATIONAL GUARD

FOR SIX YEARS IN THE 1960s

AND HE NEVER ONCESMOKED A JOINT.

( burst of laughter )

YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS TO ALLTHESE YOUNG CANDIDATES TODAY?

THEY ALL HAVE TO MAKETHIS STATEMENT LIKE

"WELL, I SMOKED ONE JOINTABOUT 15, 20 YEARS AGO

AND I AM CRUCIALLYAND UNEQUIVOCALLY SORRY."

( laughter )

SEE, I WANT A CANDIDATETHAT'S HAD... EXPERIENCE.

( laughter )

I WANT A CONGRESSMAN THAT SMOKEDTHAI STICK, GANJA, SINSEMILLA.

I WANT A HIP,COMPASSIONATE LEGISLATOR.

REPORTERS WOULD ASK HIMA QUESTION

"MR. SENATOR, WHAT AREYOUR THOUGHTS ON ABORTION?"

( pretends to inhale )

"BITCH DON'T WANTTO HAVE THE BABY..."

( laughter, hooting )

YEAH, YOU KNOW, THE WHOLEARGUMENT GETS RIDICULOUS.

I SEE THESE TWO WOMENON GERALDO AND THEY'RE ARGUING

ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT KILLINGSPERM CONSTITUTES ABORTION.

I HOPE NOT, BECAUSE IF SO

ME AND SCOTT PAPER TOWEL COMPANYARE GOING TO JAIL.

"BUT YOUR HONOR, IT WASTHE QUICKER PICKER UPPER."