Mike Lawrence - A Strange Arrangement - Uncensored

Disaster 03/29/2016 Views: 3,227

Mike Lawrence looks back on the infrequent (and bizarre) sexual experiences he had with his first girlfriend. (13:40)

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- She's like, "No, I don't--

I don't--I don't think we can."

I'm like, "Why?"And she goes, "I think--

I think my vagina's too small."

And first off, that's fucked up.

Like, all you have to say is,

"I think your dick is too big."

[laughter]

[dark electronic music]

- [gagging]

[electronic whirring]

[alarm blaring]

[explosion booms]

[cheers and applause]

- Welcometo "This Is Not Happening."

I'm your host, Ari Shaffir.

Tonight all the storiesare about disasters.

[cheers and applause]

You know him fromthe "Nerd of Mouth" podcast.

Please give it up forMr. Mike Lawrence, everybody.

[cheers and applause]

- I'm gonna talk for a secondabout my hands.

They're glistening.

I have the worst handshake ever.

You want to shake my hand?

Is that not the mostdisgusting handshake

you've ever feltin your life, right?

I have Edward Jizzerhands.

They are disgusting.

And the reason why is,

I am perpetually nervousand terrified,

because my experienceswith women,

growing up, were awful.

I'm first gonna tellyou about the first time

I ever said "I love you."

It was in an AOL chat room,

of course.

Ba-duh.

My screen name was Poetic15,

because I was a poetic15-year-old,

and I wanted the worldto knows it.

And also, AOL rejected my firstscreen name,

TheJizzBlossoms.

[laughter]

And I'm in this chat room.

I'm spouting my poems,

and this girl, IguanaLover69,comes in,

which is just proof she's better

than the first 68 iguana lovers,

and she's like,"Hey, I like your poems."

I'm like, "Why don't wemove this to a private chat?"

[singing funk tune]

And I realize that sounds

more like a Seinfeld-basedguitar,

and less likean erotic-based guitar.

"Hey, girl, let's fuck."

[imitating Seinfeld riff]

[laughter]

So we're in this private chat.I'm like, "What are you into?"

She's like, "Poetry."I'm like, "Me too.

Like, what else?"She's like, "Comic books."

I'm like, "Me too.

Who's your favorite superhero?"

She's like, "Batman."I'm like, "Me too.

So obscure."

Then I'm like, "Is thereanything else you're into?"

She's like,"You and your smile,"

and I'm like, "I love you."

27 minutes in.It was time-stamped.

And I was like,"Why don't we meet up

at a coffee shop sometime?"

She's like, "Why don't Imeet you at your place?

At 164 Paradise Way."

I'm like, "How do--how do youknow where I live?"

She's like, "I knowmany things about you,

including your father'scredit card information."

So then I have to type out"Oh, my God,"

because "OMG"hadn't been invented yet.

Rough times.

And...

I bring in my dad.

He is furious.

My dad cancelsall of his credit cards.

30 minutes later,we get a knock at the door.

It's my brother,and he just goes,

"IguanaLover69, bitches."

[laughter, applause]

I was incestuously chat-fished.

[laughter]

And the worst thingabout this was,

me and my brotherwere never close growing up

because I thought he neverunderstood me as a person,

and in the 27 minutes

I talked to IguanaLover69,

he said everything I ever wanted

to hear someone say.

[laughter]

And that is the worstpossible feeling,

to realize that your brotheris a fucking douche bag

but an incredible listener.

[laughter]

And so I was 15when that happened,

and I was traumatized,and at that point,

I was like,"I just want to find real love

"attached to a real,actual person

that isn't my brother,"

and it happeneda few months later.

And I--I met a girl named Beth,

and we started to go out,

and we're sittingon a pickup truck

one day, making out.

This was Florida.That's how you dos.

And she was like, you know.

She was like, "This is great,"and I'm like, "Yeah, it is,"

and I'm like, "So--sowhen are we gonna do it?"

'Cause that's what people saybefore they do.

You know, "getting busy,""do it."

No one who's actually fuckingsays those things,

just horny teenagers.

And she was like,"I don't like the idea

of something inside me,"

and I was like,"Okay, that sounds great.

Let's stay together,"

and we did,for six more years.

We never had sex once.

Now, the weirdest partabout this

is being able to lookat these women

and just see them go,"Yeah, I could believe that.

I completely understand."

Wait, isn't shethe protagonist now?

I know, it was a--it was a--it was a tough thing.

It--that is nota good combination

when one person's prudish

and the other is respectful.

That never works out.

So I'm gonna talk youthrough the years

of our relationship.

We started in 2000, 2001.

'Cause I always believedthat it would happen.

I was like,"This is gonna fuckin' happen."

2001, got my hand overthe right boob,

over the shirt.

2002, under the shirt.

Yeah!

2003, left boob.

Even let me get both inat the same time.

It was amazing.

Like, she basically, like,made me, like,

explore the boobsin installments.

Like, she "Kill Bill"-ed meon the boobs.

She was like, "I couldrelease this as one,

"but, you know what,I'm gonna make him wait for it

and make more money."

That marketing genius.

So--and that's the thing.

It's like,I got to the first base,

but I think, like,I don't think, like,

I--I hit to first base.

I think, like, I--I was walked there.

You know?

Like, I got thereon a technicality

when it takes that long.

2004, finally,

I get to--I getto touch under the panties.

She--she touches my dickfor the first time.

Now, this is the thing.

It didn't get hard at all,

because at that point,it was like

an old man waiting in the DMVwho just believed

his number was nevergonna be called at all.

"Oh, wait, it is me?Oh, shit.

What am I here for again?"

[laughter]

And so I'm touching aroundthe--the--the pantie region,

and the thing you must knowabout this girl, Beth,

is that her father livednext door--

in the room next door,

even though her parentshad divorced.

He was just, like, a sad man

who listened to one song

and would sing it out loud,

because it helped him reconcilewith the divorce,

and that song was"A Long December"

by the Counting Crows.

And I need to believe--and I have no proof of this,

but I need to believethat the moment

that she pulled the pantie aside

so that I could stickmy finger in

after four yearsof being with her

is the moment in the songwhere Adam Duritz goes...

♪ Yeah

[laughter]

And it was an amazing feeling.

I didn't see--I was like--

like, we were both on the bed,

like, looking like this,you know,

like, looking through,like, a kid's pillowcase

for trick-or-treat candy,

and all you pull outis Tootsie Rolls.

You're like,"I wanted real food."

And then it was like, so--

so we're gonna--we're gonna have sex now.

She's like,"Yeah, let's try it."

So we go--we go to the pharmacy,

and I send her in to buythe condoms.

I can't buy condoms, because--I mean, look at me.

Like, I feel so badfor that cashier

that would have to imagine mehaving sex.

Like, she's making $8.75an hour.

She doesn't want toalso have to deal with--

[groans]

[laughter]

So she goes in.

She buys a 12-pack of condoms.

I was like, "Why did you buya 12-pack?

That's pretty optimistic."She's like, "It was on sale."

I'm like, "Oh, that's whywe've been together."

[laughter]

We go--we go home,

and I'm literally, like, I--

I try to--to put it in,

and she's like, "No, I don't--

I don't--I don't think we can."I'm like, "Why?"

And she goes, "I think--I think my vagina's too small."

And first off, that's fucked up.

Like, all you have to say is,

"I think your dick is too big."

[laughter]

I get to feel greatabout myself,

and I'm stillnot gonna fuck you,

because I'm not an awful person,

and I'm just like,"Watch out, ladies.

"It's 'Excalibur.'

Who is worthy?"

So we just sit there the rest--

the rest of the day,

and we last together for--for one more year.

We try to spice things upone more time.

It was January 14th,my birthday,

2005.

She buys erotic dice.

She's like, "Let's--let--let's try something different."

You guys--you guys knowerotic dice?

So it's two dice, always.

One dice is, like, a verb,and it's always, like,

"peruse" or "tickle,"

and the otheris a body part like

"earlobe" or "tummy."

Like, they--they--theysound like they're all, like,

manufacturedby a Midwestern couple

who hasn't touched each otherat all in years.

"Let's peruse the tummy,

don't you know,"you know?

"We're more frigidthan the winters in Minnesota."

So I--I roll the dice,

and I get "lick inner thigh,"

and I'm like, "Yeah."

I'm excited, 'cause you know,I--I never--

[stammering]I never saw her vagina,

and I'm like, "I'm gonnafinally fuckin' see it."

And she goes, "Yeah, sure,

but I'm not takingmy jeans off."

[laughter]

And I proceeded to go

down and roughin that corduroy muff.

[mumbling]I was like, "This is--

this is pretty good,you know, this is."

I had 100% cotton mouth.

And...

as I'm doing it, she's like,"You know what?

"I don't thinkthis is gonna work.

We should break up,"

and then I have to liftmy head above, like...

[mumbling]"Are you sure about that?

We deserve to bemore than friends."

And we--we--we--we broke up,

and that always bothered me,the fact--

I'd never--I never saw her vagina.

Six years in, some of this,some of that,

never saw her vagina.

So, after six years,

her vagina became, like,

Wilson from "Home Improvement"to me.

[laughter]

There were glimpses of it,

but because I never gotto truly see it for what it was,

I gave it a power and wisdomit didn't deserve.

[laughter]

By the end, I didn't even wantto eat her out.

I just wanted to seek guidance,you know?

So the epilogue to this is--

so we broke up.

I called her about a month later

to see how she was doing.

She was like,"Yeah, I've had sex.

It's pretty good."I'm like, "What?"

She's like, "Remember allthose times I said that it was--

"it was me and not you?

I think it was youthe whole time."

And I was like, "All right,"and I was upset,

but then I was like,"You know what, though?

I'm gonna--I'm gonna one-up you."

So I went on the dating website"PlentyOfFish."

It's a dating website named

for one of Jesus'lesser superpowers.

[laughter]

And I was like, "I'm gonnafind myself a woman

who's seen some things."

I found--

found a woman named Gladys.

That is an out-of-model person.

The Gladys factoryhasn't produced new product

in over 35 years.

There's just an old man outside

like, "No one goesin the Gladys factory."

Her name--her name was Gladys.It was intense.

Like, she fuckin'--she was crazy.

She--she sat on my face,

which after not seeing a vaginafor six years,

and then just seeingtoo much vagina.

It'd be likeif your first movie

was all four Michael Bay"Transformers" movies.

Nothing at all--too much!

She was--she was intense--

she, like, smacked my balls.

She was, like, she slobbered.

She was like,"Does Baby want some?"

And you know what, like,it was crazy at the time,

but it was perfect,because at that point,

I was like, "You know what?

"I'm not just gonnalose my virginity.

I'm going to throw it away."

Thank you so much, guys.