Pete Holmes - More Leisured

  • Season 14 , Ep 4
  • 01/11/2010
  • Views: 45,371

Why does Pete Holmes' girlfriend have a graveyard of Metrocards in her bag within a bag system of baggery? (2:47)

I LOVE MY GIRLFRIEND,BUT SHE SLOWS ME DOWN.

CAN WE TALK ABOUT THAT?

IT'S JUST TRUE.I'M NOT MAKING FUN.

IT'S JUST TRUE.SHE'S ADORABLE.

SHE'S JUST, EH, MORE LEISURED.

LADIES ARE MORE LEISURED.

I'M A MAN.

I'M A COLD, GRAYCOMPUTER PERSON.

I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO BEIN A RUSH TO BE IN A RUSH.

I'M LIKE, "GET OUT OF MY WAY!

GOT TO GET TO TASTI D-LITE,DAMN IT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"CALM DOWN, MAN."

BUT WOMEN MOVE DIFFERENTLY.I'LL TELL YOU -- THIS IS IT.

THE MAIN DIFFERENCE FOR ME

BETWEEN BEING SINGLEAND BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP

IS MISSING THE TRAIN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YES.CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS?

WHEN I'M SINGLE,I DON'T MISS IT.

I MAKE IT.DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

I HEAR IT THROUGH THE GRATEAND ASSESS ITS DIRECTION

LIKE A HERD OF BUFFALOTHAT I'M STALKING,

TEAR OPEN MY SHIRTLIKE A CAVEMAN, HIT THE STAIRS.

I'M AMAZING ON THE STAIRS.

TWO AT A TIME ON THE STAIRS.

I'M IN A RUSH, I DON'T EVEN LOOKLIKE I'M IN A RUSH.

HERE TO HERE, I'M COOL.

DOWN HERE,I'M DOING AN IRISH CAPER.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

HERE TO HERE, I'M OBAMA.

DOWN HERE, I'M LUIGI JUMPING.

DO YOU GET IT?

MY METRO CARD --IT'S RIGHT HERE!

DO YOU WANT TO SEE IT?!I CAN GET IT!

TWO SECONDS, SWIPE,DOWN THE STAIRS,

WITH TIME BEFORE THE DOORS CLOSE

TO GET MY HAT ON THE PLATFORMLIKE INDIANA JONES,

PUT IT ON, LIGHT A CIGARETTE,KISS A WOMAN I DON'T KNOW.

I MAKE IT.

HOLD ON.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

NOW --

NOW I HAVE THIS GIRLFRIEND.

SHE'S LOVELY,WITH HER CUTE, LITTLE LEGS

AND HER TINY, LITTLE BOOTS.

WHEN I HAVE TO GET HERON THE TRAIN,

I HAVE TO LEAD HERATOP THE STAIRS.

I'M LIKE, "COME ON!IT'S TIME FOR THE TRAIN!"

SHE'S LIKE,"WHOO, THE WORLD IS MAGIC!"

THIS ISN'T MY DAUGHTER.DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

THIS IS ANOTHERCAPABLE ADULT HUMAN.

I SHOULD BE ABLE TO BE LIKE,"GO, HUMAN,

LIKE I'M ASSUMING YOU DO WHENI'M NOT HERE TO SHEPHERD YOU."

I SWIPE THROUGH,SHE'S JUST STARTING THE PROCESS.

SHE'S OPENING A BAGTO GET ANOTHER BAG.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

IT'S A BAG WITHIN A BAG,

LIKE A RUSSIAN-DOLL SYSTEMOF BAGGERY.

GETTING DISTRACTEDBY THE SEA OF RECEIPTS,

LIKE, "OOH!WHEN WAS I AT JAMBA JUICE?"

TRAINS ARE LEAVING.I'M LIKE, "93! LET'S GO!"

SHE'S STARTING WITH THE SWIPES,LIKE -- SWING!

"INSUFFICIENT FARE.

HOLD ON TO THAT ONE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

SWING! "INSUFFI-- KEEPER."

WHY?!WHY DO YOU HAVE THESE?!

WHY DO YOU HAVE A GRAVEYARDOF METRO CARDS

IN YOUR BAG-WITHIN-A-BAG SYSTEMOF BAGGERY?

ARE YOU SCRAPBOOKING?

JUST LATER AT HOMEWITH A BIG, EMPTY, WHITE BOOK,

LIKE, "CRAZY SUMMER!

"WE MISSED SO MANY TRAINS.

WHOO!"

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

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