Rylee Newton - L.A.'s Standards

Season 7 , Ep 701 11/28/03 Views: 2,105

People in Los Angeles don't know what to do with a woman who has a little flesh on her. (3:14)

OREGON BUT I LIVE IN LOS ANGELES

RIGHT NOW, SUPER DUPER.

ALRIGHT, A LITTLE BOO--

WHATEVER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THE FIRST THING I NOTICED ABOUT

LIVING IN LOS ANGELES IS L.A.

HAS SOME PRETTY TOUGH BEAUTY

STANDARDS, IF I DON'T SAY SO

MYSELF.

'CAUSE IN OREGON ON A GOOD DAY,

I'M LIKE A SIX OR A SEVEN.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M NOT TRYING TO BRAG.

BUT IN LOS ANGELES I'M A MAN.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

DID I MISS SOMETHING SOMEWHERE?

I WAS AT THE GROCERY STORE AND

THE CHECKOUT LADY WAS, LIKE,

"SIR, WILL THAT BE PAPER OR

PLASTIC?"

"GIVE ME A MINUTE WITH THIS,

WHAT DO WOMEN NORMALLY LIKE?s

I'LL HAVE ONE OF THOSE."

I JUST THINK PEOPLE IN

LOS ANGELES DON'T KNOW WHAT TO

DO WHEN THEY SEE A WOMAN WHO HAS

A LITTLE FLESH ON HER, THEY'RE

LIKE, WHAT ARE YOU SOME WEIRD

DOUGHY MAN?

WHAT DO YOU DO?

[LAUGHTER]

SO I--

AH, YOU GUYS, GO ON.

SO I, UH, SO I WENT TO A

WEIGHT LOSS PLACE AND THEY WERE

TRYING TO MOTIVATE ME TO LOSE

WEIGHT, 'CAUSE YOU'RE THE WINNER

LOS ANGELES, YOU WIN, AN, UH...

[LAUGHTER]

UH, JUST LIKE THAT.

AND, AH, THEY WERE, LIKE,

"WHAT ARE YOUR DREAMS, WHAT ARE

YOUR GOALS, WHAT DO YOU WANT

TO DO WHEN YOU GET THIN?"

AND I WAS, LIKE, "WELL, I GUESS

FIRST OFF I WOULDN'T MIND BEING

MY OWN GENDER, THAT'D BE...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'D BE PRETTY SWEET."

YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME.

WE'LL SEE HOW YOU LIKE THE NEXT

ONE.

AND, UH, SECOND OF ALL, YOU KNOW

WHAT I MISS ABOUT BEING THIN?

MMM, MMM, MMM, I LOVE STREET

HARASSMENT, I WOULD LIKE TO GET

ME SOME MORE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I WAS AT A PARTY, I WAS HANGING

OUT WITH THIS GUY AND HE WAS,

LIKE, BLAH, BLAH, WHAT DO YOU

DO, BLAH, BLAH, I LIKE CHEESE,

BLAH, BLAH.

IT WAS GOING REALLY WELL.

AND WE GO OUTSIDE, AND HE GOES,

"YOU KNOW WHAT, I JUST WALKED IN

OFF THE STREET, I DON'T KNOW

A PERSON IN THERE.

WOULD YOU GIVE ME A RIDE HOME?"

NO.

NO, I WON'T GIVE YOU A RIDE HOME

NEW FRIEND AND STRANGER.

AND THEN HE GOES, "YOU KNOW

WHAT, YOU'D BE PRETTY IF YOU

WERE NICER."

[LAUGHTER]

HUH.

WELL, YOU'D BE CUTE IF YOU

HAD A CAR.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HOW WOULD THAT BE?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ALSO, AS IT TURNS OUT, I'M NOT

SO SURE HOW IMPORTANT PRETTY

IS GONNA BE TO ME WHEN IT'S JUST

MY SEVERED HEAD IN THE TRUNK.

JUST A PRETTY LITTLE HEAD

ROLLING AROUND IN THE TRUNK.

I'D PROBABLY CALL MY MOM

ON MY CELL PHONE WITH MY NOSE.

MOM, GUESS WHAT, I'M PRETTY.

I AM FINALLY PRETTY.

I AM JUST A HEAD.

I HOPE...

AND THEN I WAS DEPRESSED

RECENTLY SO I PICKED UP THAT

BOOK, "THE RULES".

YOU GUYS HAVE HEARD ABOUT THAT

BOOK?

IT'S THAT BOOK THAT TEACHES

WOMEN HOW TO TRICK MEN INTO

MARRYING THEM.

IT'S PRETTY SWEET.

IT TURNS OUT THOSE BITCHES ARE

REALLY STRICT.

ONE OF THEIR RULES IS YOU CAN

NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE WITHOUT

MAKE-UP ON, EVER, EVEN IF YOU'RE

WORKING OUT.

SO I'M AT THE GYM IN BLACK

FACE...

AND THEY ARE, LIKE, SIR, WE ARE

GONNA HAVE TO ASK YOU TO LEAVE.

THERE GOES MY TIME.

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