Hannibal Buress - No Means No

  • Season 1 , Ep 1
  • 10/09/2012
  • Views: 46,837

Hannibal Buress thinks that five in the morning is a weird time to get on your soapbox. (3:57)

IT WAS THE DARKEST TIMEOF MY LIFE.

MOSTLY 'CAUSE THEY CALL COOKIESBISCUITS.

I DIDN'T LIKE THAT AT ALL.

IT WAS AN INCREDIBLECULTURE SHOCK FOR ME.

BUT I PLAYED ALONGFOR A FEW WEEKS

AND TRIED TO BE A PART OF IT.

SURE, I'LL PASS YOUTHE CHOCOLATE CHIP BISCUITS.

LET'S HAVE BISCUITS AND MILK,EVERYBODY.

I LOVE OREO BISCUITS.

BUT, IN THE FOURTH WEEK,I FREAKED OUT.

I COULDN'T HANDLE IT ANYMORE.

"THOSE AREN'T BISCUITS.THOSE ARE COOKIES.

"COOKIES ARE COOKIES,AND BISCUITS ARE BISCUITS.

"IF YOU CALL COOKIES BISCUITS,

"THEN WHATDO YOU CALL BISCUITS?

'CAUSE I'M NOTSAYING SCONES."

[laughter and applause]

I THINK I WAS DEALING WITHSOME OTHER STUFF AT THE TIME.

SO I WAS OUT IN SCOTLANDONE NIGHT,

IT WAS 5:00 IN THE MORNING,

IT WAS LATE,I'M TALKING WITH THIS GIRL,

I DECIDE TO TAKE A SWING.

I SAY, "HOW ABOUT WE GO BACKTO MY PLACE

FOR SOME FOODAND SOME DRINKS?"

MOST WOMEN WOULD SAY,"YEAH, THAT SOUNDS COOL,"

OR, "NO, I'M ALL RIGHT,"BUT WHAT SHE SAID WAS,

"WHAT TYPE OF FOODARE WE TALKING ABOUT?

"AND WHAT DRINKSARE WE TALKING ABOUT?

"AND DO YOU EXPECT METO HAVE SEX WITH YOU

IF I COME BACKTO YOUR PLACE?"

WELL, IF YOU COME BACKTO MY PLACE

AT 5:00 IN THE MORNING,

EAT ALL MY FOOD,DRINK ALL MY DRINKS,

AND YOU DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX,

THEN I DON'T WANT YOUIN MY LIFE AT ALL.

WHAT TYPE OF PERSONWOULD DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

THAT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHINGA SOCIOPATH WOULD DO.

COME TO YOUR PLACE AT 5:00,EAT YOUR FOOD,

DRINK YOUR DRINKS,LEAVE AT 6:30

WITHOUT [bleep]LIKE IT'S COOL.

THAT'S A PASSIVE BURGLARY.

AS SOON AS SHE SAID THAT,I SHOULD HAVE CLOCKED

THAT THIS WOMAN WAS CRAZY,BUT I WAS KIND OF DRUNK,

SO I GO,OH, SHE'S KIND OF QUIRKY.

SO WE TALKEDFOR A LITTLE BIT.

SHE SAYS STUFF.I SAY STUFF.

SHE SAYS STUFF.I SAY STUFF.

YOU KNOWHOW CONVERSATION WORKS.

I THINK IT'S GOING WELL,

I GO IN FOR THE KISS,SHE SAYS, "WHAT?

"YOU THINKYOU CAN JUST KISS ME?

"WESTERN MEN AND MEN IN GENERAL,THEY'RE ENTITLED

"TO WHATEVER THEY WANTFROM WOMEN?

YOU OBJECTIFY US!"

SHE STARTED GOINGON THIS CRAZY FEMINIST RANT.

HEY, IT'S FINEIF YOU WANT TO BE A FEMINIST,

BUT I THINK 5:00 IN THE MORNINGAFTER THE BAR CLOSES

IS A WEIRD TIMETO JUMP ON YOUR SOAPBOX.

"MEN JUST WANT TO [bleep]!"

YEAH, IT'S 5:00 IN THE MORNING.EVERYBODY WANTS TO [bleep].

THAT'S WHY THEY STAYED OUTTILL 5:00--

BECAUSE IT DIDN'T HAPPENAT 2:00.

[applause]

FOR SOME REASON,WE KEEP TALKING BEYOND THIS.

SHE WANTS TO KNOWMY ADDRESS.

SHE'S SHOWING INTEREST.I TELL HER THE ADDRESS.

SHE TEXTS ITTO HERSELF.

I SAY, "WHAT'S WRONG?"

SHE SAYS,"I HAVE TO BE SAFE.

"THREE OUT OF TEN WOMENTHAT GET RAPED

DON'T REPORT IT."

I SAID,"ONE OUT OF ONE DUDES

IS WALKING AWAYFROM THIS CONVERSATION."

[laughter]

SHE SAID, "WHAT'S WRONG?"

"YOU INSANE, LADY.THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG.

"THIS SOUNDS VERY RISKYTO HANG OUT WITH YOU,

"AND I DIDN'T KNOWABOUT THIS MYSELF UNTIL TODAY,

"BUT I DON'T HANG OUTWITH ANYBODY

"THAT QUOTES RAPE STATISTICS.

"THERE'S NOBODY IN MY LIFETHAT DOES THAT.

"THAT'S SUCH A WEIRD TRAITTO HAVE.

"I HAVE TO GET AWAY FROM YOU.

"'CAUSE I'M A BLACK MANIN SCOTLAND ON A WORK VISA.

THEY GONNA BELIEVEANY [bleep] YOU SAY."

[applause]

BUT SHE WAS SUPER DRUNKIN THAT MOMENT.

SHE COULDN'T HANDLE REJECTION.

SHE JUST KEPT ON, "HANNIBAL,PLEASE LET ME EXPLAIN."

"NO, YOU'VE EXPLAINED ENOUGHWITH YOUR WORDS."

"WHY, HANNIBAL?WHAT'S WRONG?"

"YOU SEEM VERY INSANEAND UNSTABLE.

THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG."

"HANNIBAL, I JUST WANTTO EDUCATE PEOPLE!"

"THIS IS A WEIRD-ASS TIMEFOR THAT TYPE OF CLASS."

"HANNIBAL, PLE--""HEY, LADY, YOU ACTING

"LIKE A RAPIST RIGHT NOW!

"BECAUSE I JUST SAIDI DON'T WANT

"TO TALK WITH YOU,BUT YOU KEEP ON TALKING AT ME.

"YOU ARE RAPING MY EARDRUMS,

"AND I FEEL VERY THREATENED.

NO MEANS NO."

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

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