Chelsea Peretti - Depression Beard

Season 3, Ep 0306 07/18/2008 Views: 17,716

Chelsea wishes she had a beard so she could pull her little beard blankie to her chin and say, "Goodbye." (1:34)

I realize. Like, I see a guywith a beard,

I'm, like, "He's goingthrough something," you know?

I don't trust it.To me, it just seems like,

"I'm just gonna pull my littlebeard blankie up to my nose.

Just hide out."

I wish I could have a beard.

It would be so cool.

It's such a great poker face,you know?

I wish I had a beardand two eye patches.

Good-bye, everyone.

I think I'm depressed.I really do.

Is it depressionwhen you wake up

with your hands in fists?

Or when your way of gettingsomething done

is you take a 20-hour nap,and then every two hours

you wake up like,"I'm worthless."

And then you justfall back asleep.

'Cause if so,I might have a problem.

Everything seemslike work to me, you know?

Like, even checking voicemail,I'm, like, "Ugh!"

Just text me, you know?I don't want to deal with it.

You have to be careful'cause I always do that thing

where you see the missed call

and you don't listento the message.

and you just callthe person back.

You have to be very careful.

because it could be, like,a Friday night, you know.

Say your friend Sarah calls,and she's, like,

"Chelsea, uh, this is Sarah.

"I was just attackedby three guys.

"It was like something outof The Accused.

"You know the sceneI'm talking about?

"I could really useyour guidance and support.

Please call me back.This is Sarah," you know?

And I'll just see the missedcall and call her back

without listening, and, like,"What's up, slut?!"

Friday night!"