- My mother decided, maybe we should put fat Marc,
she didn't refer to me that way out loud,
but I could see it.
I think fat Marc should be on peewee little league.
I showed no interest in sports.
I didn't care about sports,
I was not guided that way.
I never played catch with my dad,
because playing catch with my dad would've been
like throwing the ball away. Alright.
So she puts fat Marc onpeewee little league.
Alright, now, when you're fat,
and you're on peewee little league you're in the outfield,
because no one's going to hit it that far,
and if it does get out that far
it's going to hit the ground,
and it's going to just be bouncing.
It's not a big deal.
So fat Marc is out in center field.
We got a fat left fielder, we got the fat right fielder,
we're just out there being fat.
We're the fat outfield.
Alright, maybe a little chatter,
hitting the glove a little bit,
hey batter batter, whatdoes this even mean?
Why are we saying this like this?
You know, maybe a little chit chat with the other guy.
Hey, you going to get a Snickers or a snow cone after?
I'm probably going to get both.
I'm going to get a rainbow snow cone
and try to eat itbefore it turns purple.
And look, I gotta be honest with you.
I was not prone, you know, I'm fairly athletic,
I could probably pull it off,
but I was afraidof the ball man.
Like, at that time, batting;
this is how I would bat.
But, this was me in the picture.
Alright so here's what happened,
and this was a life changing event.
We're going to try and work through this.
I've made a promise to myself to work through this.
I'm out there in centerfield just being fat,
we're having our time out there.
Alright, we're justkicking the dirt around.
And then I heard that sound,
it's an unmistakable sound, everyone knows that sound.
It was the crack of a bat.
And my first reaction was to look at the other guy.
And then I look over at that guy
and he's pointing at the air.
And there's a ball justsuspended in the air,
coming towards fat Marc.
The coach is saying "Getunder it, get under it."
And I'm backing up, andI know this is like, I,
yeah, you know it's right there,
and then, in my memory there's a sprinkler, alright,
that my heel caught on a sprinkler.
I'm pretty sure it was there, alright?
I can't be sure, it might just be something I put in there
to buffer the shame of what's going to happen next,
which is me falling backwards onto the ground,
and the ball bouncing off of my face.
So I was under it.
I got that part of the equation correct.
Now in my mind at that point, the coach is yelling
"Get up you fat fuck! Field it fatty, come on!"
Now that's obviously revisionism.
I don't think a coach would talk that way
to a fat kid, right?
I probably made that upto make the shame worse.
So now, it's not really a ball game as much as it is
a fat kid crying.
Which on some level, in my mind,
is like well, it was allabout me for that time.
It would have been a better moment to be like,
I caught it, I caught it, but like (screams)
That's alright, like on some level if you're that
self absorbed and you want to be the center of attention,
it succeeded in that way, but,
see I really think though, this is my point.
I think if I would've caught that ball
I would've been a different person.
I don't think I would beup here talking to you.
I think I would have been a well adjusted person.
I would have felt that feeling of esteem,
and maybe gone on to play more sports,
perhaps I would've now been at a pretty good job
with a family and I had, you know,
guy friends, and I would say things like good talk, bro.
Like it could have been a whole different life for me,
if I had just caught that ball.
And some part of me needs closure,
so if you don't mind I want to
go through a psycho-drama here,
where I'm going to walkfat Marc off the field.
I'm going to walk fat Marc off,
and just try to give him a heads up,
which is a term he didn't understand at this point.
And just try to, you know, give him a heads up
for what's going to happen.
So, let's go there now,
I'm going to try to coach little fat Marc.
Here we go.
Wow, that was ridiculous, what just happened.
'Cause you were so close, you almost had that.
You alright? It's okay,though, it's okay.
Look, I just, there's a couple things I need to tell you
about what's going to happen for you.
First of all, there's no going back to the dugout,
this shit is done.
You're not gonna, there's no more putting yourself
in the position to be physically hurt;
from here on out it's all going to be thinky pain.
What else can I tell you?
Teamwork. That's done. No more of that,
no reason to believe in that shit.
And quite honestly from here on out,
no sports heroes, not that you had them to begin with,
but here on out just loners, fragmented people,
drug addicts, peoplewho live on the margins,
comedians, rock stars, those are your people.
Get used to it.
And also, I guess I cantell you quite honestly,
it doesn't get much better after this.
On many different levels in your life, metaphorically,
this situation will playout over and over again.
You're going to be (audience laughter)
very close to catching it,
and then you will just end up crying.
What else can I tell you about the immediate situation?
Okay, you're going to get off the field,
your mom's going totake you to Dairy Queen,
she's going to let you eat a banana split,
you're going to enjoy that,
and an hour latershe's going to make you
feel guilty about eating it.
So that's gonna happen.
So quite honestly, she'sout too after this.
You know, they're both out. Mom and Dad are done.
What else is going to happen?
Well, about 14 you startsmoking cigarettes,
which are really cool,
but at 39 when you can'tbreathe, not so cool.
Cocaine's going to come into play,
about 15 years old, you'll commit to that,
for about nine years of your adult life,
which will also be veryexciting, but a mistake.
I don't know, how can I sum this up?
Okay, it's going to take a lifetime to walk this off.
And you can quit cryingnow on the outside.
And I think the big payoff is that eventually,
you know, because of this momentthat you had on this field,
and holy shit, let me just look around for a minute,
Because of this moment here,
you're going to find yourself at age 49,
on a stage in a basementin New York City
in front of a room full of strangers,
taping a special with no end to this story, really.
Just no end.
So, if you'd only caughtthat ball. (laughs)