Kumail Nanjiani - Horror Movies

  • Season 2 , Ep 5
  • 04/21/2011
  • Views: 24,230

Horror fans are OK with the murder of innocent children, but Freddy Krueger as a racist? Unacceptable. (2:58)

DO YOU GUYS KNOW THIS MOVIE?OKAY, IT IS AWESOME.

PEOPLE WHO ARE CLAPPINGARE CORRECT.

IT'S ACTUALLY REALLY GOOD.

IT'S FREDDYFROM "NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET"

VERSUS JASON FROM "FRIDAYTHE 13TH" IN THE SAME ROOM.

WHY DID IT TAKE US THIS LONGTO PUT THEM TOGETHER, YOU KNOW?

IT'S REALLY GOOD,BUT THERE'S ONE PART OF IT--

PEOPLE WHO'S SEEN IT WILLREMEMBER--

THERE'S A PART WHERE FREDDYHAS TO CHOOSE

BETWEEN KILLING A WHITE GIRLAND KILLING A BLACK GIRL,

AND FREDDY SAYS,"HOW SWEET, DARK MEAT."

AND THEN HE GOES--YEAH!

THERE'S A COLLECTIVE GROANIN THE AUDIENCE IN THE THEATER

WHEN I WATCHED IT,

LIKE PEOPLE WERE DISAPPOINTEDIN FREDDY KRUEGER.

(laughter)

LIKE, WE'RE OKAYWITH YOU MURDERING CHILDREN

WITH YOUR NEEDLE GLOVES.

BUT RACISM?

(laughter)

(applause)

MAKING IT VERY HARD TO CHEERFOR YOU, FREDDY KREUGER.

NOW WE WANT JASON TO WIN.

MASS MURDERING MONSTER,BUT HE'S NO BIGOT.

(laughter)

MY FAVORITE HORROR MOVIE,THOUGH,

HAS TO BE THIS MOVIE CALLED,"THE THING,"

(cheers and applause)WHICH IS--YEAH, IT'S SO GOOD.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT IT IS.

IT'S A RESEARCH FACILITYIN THE MIDDLE OF ANTARCTICA,

AND THEN (bleep) GOES DOWN.

HORROR MOVIE.(bleep) GOES DOWN.

AND TOWARDS THE ENDOF THE MOVIE--

I'M NOT GIVING ANYTHING AWAY,TRUST ME--

TOWARDS THE END OF THE MOVIETHERE ARE THREE PEOPLE LEFT,

AND THEY HAVE TO TRYAND DECIDE

WHETHER THEY'RE GONNATRY AND ESCAPE

OR BURN THE WHOLE PLACE DOWNTO MAKE SURE

THAT THE MONSTERDOESN'T GET OUT, YOU KNOW?

AND I WAS WATCHING THE MOVIEWITH MY WIFE,

AND HE LOOKED AT MEAND SHE WAS LIKE,

"WHAT WOULD YOU DOIN THAT SITUATION?

"WOULD YOU TRY AND SURVIVE

OR WOULD YOU SACRIFICE YOURSELFFOR THE REST OF HUMANITY?"

NEVER GONNA BEIN THAT SITUATION.

(laughter)

I'M NEVER GONNA BEONE OF THE LAST GUYS ALIVE.

I'M GONNA BETHE FIRST GUY TO DIE.

I DIE RIGHT AWAY.

I DIE SO THE OTHER CHARACTERSGET TO FIND OUT

THAT SOMETHING WEIRD'SGOING ON.

(laughter)

(applause)

I'M ON THE AUTOPSY TABLE20 MINUTES INTO THE MOVIE.

"HIS HEART IS MISSING!"I'M THAT GUY.

I'M THE SETUP.

I BRIDGE ACTS ONE AND TWO.

I GO OFF ALONETO FIND THE CAT.

(laughter)

"THERE'S A WEIRD NOISEIN THIS CORNER.

I MUST INVESTIGATE.AH!"

DEATH.

I NEVER EVEN FIND OUTTHAT THERE WERE MONSTERS.

TO ME,THE PLOT OF THE MOVIE WAS,

WE'RE AT A RESEARCH FACILITY,AND THE CAT'S MISSING.

THE END.

(laughter and applause)

"FIND THE CAT."

THAT'S WHATTHIS MOVIE'S ABOUT.

OH, SHORT MOVIE IT WAS.

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