Jeremy Hotz - Doctors and Dentists

  • Season 3, Ep 3
  • 06/20/2000
  • Views: 9,895

Doctors don't tell you anything you don't already know. (2:35)

I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE I'LL HAVE TO GOTO THE DOCTOR NOW, I GUESS.

MY GUTS ARE KILLING ME.

I HATE THE DOCTOR.

IN CANADA, IT'S FREETHE DOCTOR, HUH?

HERE YOU GOT TO PAY FOR IT.

I HATE THE DOCTORS.

THIS GUY COMES OUTIN HIS WHITE SMOCK

WITH HIS PENCILS OF KNOWLEDGEIN HIS POCKET.

HE GIVES ME USELESS ADVICEEVERY TIME.

"SAY, DOC, MY LEG HURTS."

"REALLY?KEEP OFF IT."

[laughter]

"THANKS FOR THE HOT TIP,QUINCY.

"IF YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TOLD ME,

"I'D HAVE JUMPED UP AND DOWNON IT FOR AN HOUR.

HOW MUCH DO I OWE YOU,FOUNTAIN OF ALL KNOWLEDGE?"

THE ONLY THINK WORSE THAN HIMIS THE DENTIST.

WHAT A MISERABLE TRIPTHAT IS.

YOU GOT TO GO TWICE A YEAR.

YOU KNOW WHY?'CAUSE HE TELLS YOU TO.

IT'S NOT IN THE BOOK ANYWHERE.

THAT BASTARD'S MAKING IT UPAS HE GOES ALONG.

AT THE END OF YOUR VISIT,HE'S ALWAYS LIKE,

"WELL, WE'LL SEE YOUIN SIX MONTHS."

AND YOU GO, "ALL RIGHT."

THE WOMAN WHO CLEANS YOUR TEETH,WHAT THE HELL IS HER PROBLEM?

YOU COULD BE BRUSHINGAND FLOSSING EVERY DAY.

IT'S NEVERGOOD ENOUGH FOR HER.

SHE LEAPS ON YOUR ASSIMMEDIATELY.

"YOUR TEETH ARE FILTHY."

"SORRY.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO WRECKYOUR WHOLE DAY LIKE THAT."

"SEE THE WAYYOUR GUMS ARE BLEEDING?"

"OH, YEAH, I CAN SEE IT.

"MAYBE IF YOU'D STOP

STICKING THOSE SHARPMETAL THINGS INTO THEM."

[applause]

I DON'T DO THIS AT HOME, LADY.

I THINK THE PROBLEM IS YOU.

"THERE'S SOME CORNSTUCK BETWEEN MY TEETH.

I BETTER GET IT OUTWITH A STEAK KNIFE."

JEEZ.

THEN YOU GO SEE THE DENTIST.

WHAT A WEIRD,TWISTED FREAK HE IS.

I DON'T TRUST HIM AT ALL.

SITS YOU DOWN IN THAT CHAIR,

HE SHINES THAT LIGHTIN YOUR EYE--

WHICH IS BADFOR MY ASTIGMATISM--

TAKES PICTURES OF YOUR TEETH,AND THEN HE SHOWS THEM TO YOU,

LIKE YOU'RE INTERESTED AT ALL.

"OH, THOSE ARE GREAT SHOTSYOU GOT THERE, DENTIST.

HOW'D YOU GET MY TEETHTO POSE TOGETHER LIKE THAT?"

EVER TRY AND GETTHOSE PICTURES FROM HIM?

HE WON'T GIVE THEM TO YOU.

HE'S ALL WEIRD ABOUT IT, TOO,ISN'T HE?

"NO, THOSE ARE MINE."

"ALL RIGHT, YOU KEEP 'EM,YOU FREAK.

"BRING 'EM HOME,LOOK AT THEM LATE AT NIGHT,

"AND TOUCH YOURSELF.

SEE IF I CARE."

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