CARLOS MENCIA>> LIVE LIFE, MAN.

LIFE ISN'T WHAT YOU THINK

IT'S SUPPOSE TO BE.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO CARPE DIEM.

HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT BY THE WAY

EVEN THOUGH THE LATIN LANGUAGE

HASN'T SPOKEN IN HUNDREDS OF

YEARS?

YOU KNOW THAT YOU'RE NOT

SUPPOSED TO GO GENTLY INTO THAT

GOOD NIGHT.

"THAT BELL TOLLS FOR THEE."

WE KNOW THIS.

YET WE ALLOW OURSELVES

NOT TO LAUGH TO BE RETENTIVE

TO HOLD EVERYTHING IN

EVEN THOUGH WE HAVE THE FREEDOMS

THAT OTHER PEOPLE DON'T HAVE.

OUR WOMEN DON'T GET SHOT

IN THE HEAD WHEN THEY DON'T

BELIEVE ANYTHING.

OUR WOMEN WEAR MINI SKIRTS

THAT ARE LITERALLY THIS SHORT

AND WHEN THEY GO TO NIGHTCLUBS

THEY LOOK AT GUYS LIKE ME

AND GO, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU

LOOKING AT?!"

"YOUR VAGINA!"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

SEE YOU GOT TO LAUGH WHILE

YOU CAN.

AND SEE HERE'S THE FUN PART.

PEOPLE AT HOME ARE LAUGHING

THEIR ASSES OFF.

LOVING IT BECAUSE WE WANT

TO PRETEND.

SEE AT HOME IT'S COOL.

60-80% OF THE PEOPLE THAT WATCH

DEF JAM WERE WHITE.

BUT WHEN YOU GO SEE DEF JAM

LIVE, YOU GO SEE THE KINGS

OF COMEDY, YOU WILL SEE ALMOST

NO WHITE PEOPLE THERE.

WHICH TRULY TELLS ME, YOU LOVE

LAUGHING AT THE BROTHER JOKES,

BUT YOU DON'T LOVE LAUGHING AT

BROTHER JOKES WHEN THE BROTHERS

CAN LOOK AT YOU LAUGH BECAUSE

YOU FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE.

SO WHEN YOU'RE AT HOME YOU LOVE

IT AND YOUR LIKE "HA-HA.

THOSE (BLEEP) ARE FUNNY.

HA-HA-HA."

BUT WHEN YOU'RE THERE YOU'RE

LIKE, "IT'S WRONG WHAT HE SAID.

IT'S WRONG"

AND YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

YOU GOT TO UNDERSTAND,

WHAT MAKES LIFE BEAUTIFUL,

IS THE ESSENCE OF THE FACT

THAT IT CAN GO AWAY.

SEE YOU DON'T WANT TO LIVE

LIKE THAT.

YOU DON'T WANT TO BE THE PERSON

DO YOU?

THAT HAD A FIGHT, AN

INCONSEQUENTIAL, INSIGNIFICANT,

STUPID FIGHT WITH YOUR SPOUSE

ABOUT WHO'S SUPPOSED TO OPEN

OR CLOSE OR TURN OFF THE LIGHT

AT THAT BEDTIME?

SO YOU DID IT.

BUT YOU WERE PISSED AND YOU

STAYED PISSED WITH YOUR WIFE.

NOT 'CAUSE IT WAS REAL BUT HELL

WE'LL MAKE UP LATER AND NOTHING

BETTER THAN MAKE UP SEX

IS THERE?

AND IN THE MORNING YOU WOKE UP,

AND THINGS WERE STILL BAD

BUT YOU KEPT THAT 'CAUSE, HEY,

I'M GOING TO COME BACK WE'RE

GOING TO DO IT.

AND THEN WHAT HAPPENED?

YOU WENT TO YOU'RE BUILDING.

AND YOU WERE SADLY ON THAT 90th

FLOOR.

AND THAT HAPPENED.

AND YOUR ASS IS NEVER GOING

TO GO BACK HOME AGAIN.

AND THE BEST YOU COULD DO IS

CALL YOUR WOMAN OR MAN AND SAY

I LOVE YOU AND YOU MISSED

THAT LAST NIGHT.

WHY?

BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT THAT

IT WOULD LAST FOREVER.

SEE EVERY COMEDY SHOW

YOU'VE EVER BEEN TO ENDS WITH

A BIG JOKE, 'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT

YOU NEED.

I END WITH A BIG JOKE YOU LAUGH,

I SAY GOOD NIGHT, AND THAT'S

HOW IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE.

BUT THAT AIN'T LIFE MY FRIENDS.

IF YOU LEARNED ANYTHING FROM ME

LEARN ONE THING, THAT SOMETIMES,

SOMETIMES...

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR...

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

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