Ari Shaffir - Tripping at a UFC Fight

Ari Shaffir: Paid Regular Season 1, Ep 1 01/16/2015 Views: 215

Ari Shaffir reveals the one thing he really wanted when he went to a UFC fight while tripping on acid. (2:40)

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Yeah, case in point of theuniverse looking out for you.

At that fight--At that UFC fight,

I remember in the middleof the fights...

I remember in the middle ofthe fights, I got really cold,

'cause on certain drugs,your relation to temperature

just goes out the window.

Alcohol is one of them.

If you get drunk,you can lay outside in the snow

and be like,"I'm gonna lay here."

"You're gonna be cold."Like, "I've got shorts on!

I'll be fine."

You just don't feel it.It starts raining.

And like,"It's raining now."

You're like, "Whatever.I need a bath."

What's-it-called is oneof those things.

Acid is one of those things.

So I remember shivering coldat this UFC fight.

Turn to my friends, like,"You guys cold at all?"

But they were both like,"No, I'm really hot."

And I was like,"Yeah, totally."

So I was looking down,so I didn't notice

that the T-shirt cannon girlshad come out.

And they start firing offT-shirts into the crowd

with those T-shirt bazookas,you know.

I looked up, and I saw them,and immediately

I figured out everythingI needed to figure out.

I was like, "Oh, I have oneT-shirt on now."

"And I'm cold.

"If I were to get oneof those T-shirts,

"Well, that would doublethe amount of T-shirts I have.

I'd be a lot less cold."

I turn to my friend, I'm like,

"Dude, I want oneof those T-shirts."

And he goes, "That's cool.

"But why did you just say allthat about the one T-shirt

and the two T-shirts?"

And I was like, "What?

No, I was just thinkingall of that."

And he goes, "Okay, maybe.Maybe.

"But if you werejust thinking it,

then how did I know about it?"

And I was like, "Yeah, how didyou know about it?"

I was like, "But I can't dealwith that right now,

'cause I'm fittin' to get oneof them T-shirts."

But I'm, like, 30 rows up.

Like, there's no wayI'm gonna get one.

But I swear to God thishappened, I swear to you.

This one T-shirt girl,she already cocked,

so I'm like, "I want a T-shirt."She goes...

She turns right at us--I swear this happened!

It did, I swear to you!

I was on acid, my memory's notthe best probably, but, like--

And she fired one up and it goesup and off my friend's hand

and right into my lap.

And I just undid it,and I put it right on.

I was like,"Thank you, universe!"

And I went back to doing thisfor, like, 4 more hours.

[cheers and applause]

Do more drugs.