Dane Cook - Why Not Me

  • Season 3 , Ep 4
  • 06/27/2000
  • Views: 48,258

Dane Cook discusses his dreams. (3:37)

I WISH I WAS A SNAKE.

I DO.

YOU EVER WISHYOU WERE A SNAKE?

YEAH, YOU DO.

I DO.

EVERY TIME I SEE SNAKES ON TV,I'M LIKE, "OH, WHY NOT ME?"

YOU KNOW, I WANT TO--THAT'D BE COOL TO TRAVEL AROUND.

COIL UP IN A LITTLE BALL.

YOU KNOW, JUST UNHINGE MY JAW,EAT A WHOLE TURKEY.

[laughter]

EVERYBODY'D KNOWTHAT YOU'RE MAD.

NOBODY WOULD MESS WITH YOU.

THEY GOT TOO CLOSE,YOU'D BE LIKE--

[making rattling sounds]

"DO NOT COME NEAR ME."

[making rattling sounds]

THEY HAVE THE VENOM.

THAT'S WHAT I WANT.I WANT THE VENOM.

I SEE THEM ON TV, I'M LIKE,"I WANT VENOM."

THAT'D BE COOLHAVING THOSE LITTLE TEETH.

JUST HANGING OUT AT A PARTY.

"HEY, YOU GUYSHAVING A GOOD TIME?"

CAN'T BREATHE.

I CAN'T SEE.

"HEY, THERE'S CHIPSIN THE KITCHEN."

HE BIT MY EYE.

WHY'D YOU BITE MY EYE?

"'CAUSE I'M A SNAKE."

HELLO.THIS IS MY COMEDY SHOW.

JOIN ME.

BE A SNAKE.

OR BE AN ALIEN.

THE MOVIE ALIENS--

ISN'T THAT THE BEST--THOSE ALIENS?

YOU DON'T MESSWITH THOSE ALIENS.

THEY'RE BAD-ASS LOOKING.

THEY'RE ALWAYS WET AND [bleep].

[hissing]

YOU DON'T MESS WITH THAT.

IF I GOT ON THE SUBWAYLIKE THAT--

[hissing]

YOU WOULDN'T MESS WITH ME.

AND THEY HAVE THAT SPIT--THEY HAVE THAT ACIDY SPIT.

I WANT THAT!

WHY NOT ME?

I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE ACIDY SPIT.

I WOULD USE THAT.

YOU KNOW, COP PULLS ME OVER.

I'D BE LIKE,"OFFICER, I'M SORRY.

I GOT MY THING IN THE GLOVE--"

LADY, YOU'D USE THATALL THE TIME.

EVERY WOMAN IN HEREWOULD USE THE ACIDY SPIT.

GUY BOTHERING YOU IN A BARALL NIGHT.

"COME ON.ONE DRINK."

"PLEASE.I SAID--"

"ONE!

I GET YOU A DRINK--"

"I SAID, I'M ALSO--"

"ONE."

[hissing]

WELL, YOU KNOW, A GUY--WE COULD LIKE--

WE COULD BE BURNING ALIVE;WE'D STILL BE LIKE, "ONE DRINK.

ONE."

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