Kevin Nealon - State of the Union

  • Season 2, Ep 1
  • 05/28/1999
  • Views: 3,446

Kevin Nealon thinks things in America are great. (2:30)

I'M HAVING A GREAT TIME.

I'M STAYING AT A NICE HOTELNOT TOO FAR FROM HERE.

THEY EVEN PUT MEIN THE HONEYMOON SUITE.

I GUESS IT WASTHE ONLY ROOM AVAILABLE, YEAH.

STAYING WITH A NICE COUPLEFROM NEBRASKA.

YEAH, GETTING SOME NICE SHOTSON THIS TRIP.

SOME NICE SHOTS.

THIS IS A GREAT TIMEOF THE YEAR, ISN'T IT?

I WAS IN THE PARK TODAY

AND THIS GIRLROLLER-SKATED BY ME.

UNBELIEVABLE.

SHE HAD THOSE SHORTS ONWHERE, LIKE

HER BUNS WERE COMINGOUT THE BACK, YOU KNOW?

NOT VERY APPEALING,THOUGH, THEY WERE LONG SHORTS.

HEY, YOU GOT TO DOWHAT YOU CAN, YOU KNOW

'CAUSE LIFE IS TOUGH,IT REALLY IS.

YOU GOT TO MAKE AN EFFORT.

COUPLE OF MONTHS AGOI RAISED $37,000

FOR ALL THE HOMELESS PEOPLEIN AMERICA. $37,000.

NO, NO, NO, NO.

PLEASE, PLEASE,I AM NOT LOOKING FOR THAT.

ANYWAY, LIKE I SAID,LIFE IS TOUGH

SO I KEPT MOSTOF THAT MONEY FOR MYSELF

BUT I MADE THE EFFORT;THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.

SEE, SOMETIMES WE DON'TAPPRECIATE HOW LUCKY WE ARE.

WE DON'T REALIZE HOW BAD OFFOTHER PEOPLE HAVE IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

EVEN IN AMERICA,PEOPLE COMPLAIN, RIGHT?

THEY COMPLAINABOUT CRIME, EDUCATION.

I THINK THE EDUCATION SYSTEMIS GREAT JUST THE WAY IT IS.

THERE'S KIDS IN MY NEIGHBORHOODIN LOS ANGELES, SEVEN YEARS OLD

COULD ALREADYSPEAK FLUENT SPANISH.

UNBELIEVABLE

AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ONIN THE HIGH SCHOOLS

YOU KNOW, WITH THE STUDENTSAND THE TEACHERS.

I SAW A BUMPER STICKER.

IT SAID, "OUR CHILD IS THE PROUDPARENT OF HIS TEACHER'S BABY."

WHAT'S GOING ON?

AND CRIME? CRIME NOW IS LOWERTHAN IT'S EVER BEEN BEFORE.

PROBABLY BECAUSE ALL THE GOODSTUFF HAS BEEN STOLEN ALREADY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I READABOUT THESE TWO GUYS LAST YEAR.

THEY ROBBED A BANK.

THEY DIDN'T WANT

TO BE RECOGNIZED SO THEY PULLED

NYLON STOCKINGSOVER THEIR HEADS, YOU KNOW?

ACTUALLY,THESE GUYS USED PANTYHOSE

SO THEY HAD TO WALKREALLY CLOSE TOGETHER

WHEN THEY DID IT,BUT THEY DID IT.

THEY MADE THE EFFORT.

YOU KNOW WHATMAKES PEOPLE VIOLENT?

I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS.

IT'S NOT TELEVISION OR FILMS.

IT THINK IT'S...THIS IS MY THEORY NOW.

I THINK IT'S ALARM CLOCKS.

YOU KNOW,'CAUSE IT WAKES YOU UP ABRUPTLY.

IT PUTS YOU IN A BAD MOOD.

YOU DON'T WANTTO TALK TO ANYBODY.

YOU'RE IRRITABLE, YOU'RE MOODY,YOU KNOW?

YOU SHOULD JUSTWAKE UP NATURALLY

AND THAT'S WHEN YOU SHOULDSHOW UP TO WORK OR SCHOOL.

ARE YOU WITH ME?

I THINK THAT'S FAIR.

( applause )

I'M NOT LOOKING FOR THAT.

I'M NOT LOOKING FOR THAT.

THEY SHOULD HAVE AN ALARM CLOCK

THAT WAKES YOU UP GRADUALLY.

THERE WOULD A HUMAN VOICE.YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

"COME ON, BUDDY. GET UP, PAL.

"YOU'RE LOOKING GOOD,YOU'RE LOOKING GOOD.

"YOU GOT THE WHOLE DAYAHEAD OF YOU.

"COME ON, BUDDY.

"NICE DAY, OUT OF BED.

"OUT OF BED. GET OUT OF BED.

"YOU GET OUT OF BEDBEFORE I KICK YOU OUT OF BED!

GET OUT OF BED!"

THEN YOU HIT THE SNOOZE ALARM.

"SORRY, BUDDY. COME ON, PAL.

"YOU'RE LOOKING GOOD, MAN.

"UP YOU GO. COME ON.

LET'S GO."

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