Amy Schumer - Blackout Drunk

  • Season 14 , Ep 14
  • 01/11/2010
  • Views: 73,838

Amy Schumer's excuse for excessive drinking is the fact that she's drinking for two. (2:14)

YOU GUYS DRINKERS?

YEAH?

THANK YOU. GOOD.

SHE'S LIKE, "NO, ACTUALLY,I HAVE MY [BLEEP] TOGETHER."

[ CHUCKLES ]I HOPE YOUR CAR FLIPS OVER.

BUT, UM...

NO, YOU'RE CUTE.BUT I DO.

I DRINK SO --AND I BLACK OUT WHEN I DRINK.

ISN'T THAT THE WORST?

NO, YOUR MIND GOES TO SLEEP,BUT YOUR BODY'S LIKE...

♪ TONIGHT IS MY NIGHT

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT SUCKS.

NOTHING GOOD EVER HAPPENSIN A BLACKOUT.

I'VE NEVER WOKEN UPAND BEEN LIKE,

"WHAT IS THIS PILATES MATDOING OUT?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"YOU GUYS!"NEVER.

I'VE NEVER, LIKE, ROLLED OVERAND BEEN LIKE,

"WHO'S THIS FELLA --LEONARDO DiCAPRIO?"

LIKE, MAYBE IN"WHAT'S EATING GILBERT GRAPE?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M LIKE, "WHO IS GONNAROLL THIS OUT THE DOOR?"

BUT, UH -- BUT, NO,I HAVE AN EXCUSE, ACTUALLY,

WHY I'VE BEEN DRINKING SO MUCH.

I HAVEN'T SAID THISOUT LOUD YET.

THIS IS EXCITING.

I'M DRINKING FOR TWO.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THANK YOU.THANK YOU!

WOW!

I MEAN, JUST -- JUST FOR NOW.

BUT, UH...

[ LAUGHTER ]

SOMEBODY'S BEING EVICTED.

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

FINAL NOTICE.

YOU GUYS ARE BAD.

YOU GUYS ARE BAD.IT'S A WEIRD TIME.

MY LATE 20s, NEW YORK.

LIKE, MY FRIENDSARE JUST STARTING TO KEEP THEM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND...IT'S HARD.

THEY'RE CALLING ME.IT'S A WEIRD AGE.

THEY'RE LIKE,"AME, I'M PREGNANT!"

AND I STILL DON'T KNOW WHETHERTO BE LIKE, "CONGRATULATIONS!"

OR, "DO YOU NEED A RIDE?"

LIKE, "WHAT? WHERE ARE WE?"YOU KNOW?

IT'S WEIRD.

AND THERE'S NOTHING MOREAWKWARD, ALL RIGHT -- NOTHING --

THAN GOING TO THE 1stBIRTHDAY PARTY OF A LITTLE GIRL

WHEN YOU TOLD HER MOMTO GET RID OF HER.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BECAUSE THE KID CAN TELL.

THE KI-- I'M LIKE,"HERE'S TICKLE ME ELMO."

SHE'S LIKE, "[BLEEP] YOU!"

I'M LIKE, "OH, MY GOD!

I STAND BY MY DECISION."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

NO, SHE'S CUTE.

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