Anthony Jeselnik - A Million Options

Anthony Jeselnik: Caligula Season 1, Ep 1 01/13/2013 Views: 41,214

Anthony Jeselnik describes a great date with a terrible ending that he went on years ago in Chicago. (2:22)

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I know, right?

[ Laughter ]

Thank you, guys.

So greatto be here in Chicago.

I really do love this town.

I actually once went on a datewith a girl from Chicago.

Now, this waslike 10 years ago,

back beforeI was even a comedian yet.

Back then I was justa regular old piece of [bleep]

like you guys.

[ Laughter ]

But I'll never forget this date,you know?

We meet up at a bar.

We start drinking,we start talking.

We're laughing together,we're connecting.

It was great.

But then we leave the bar,we go back to her place.

And as soonas we walk in the front door,

she passes out coldon her couch.

Now, I went to college.

[ Laughter ]

I knew I hada million options.

[ Laughter ]

But I'm a gentleman,so I did the smart thing.

I just got a blanket,I tucked her in,

and I left her a note that said,"You got raped."

[ Laughter ]

Thank you.

[ Laughter ]

I feel like it's very important,

very important to open upmy show with a rape joke.

[ Laughter ]

Just to see what kind of crowdI'm dealing with here.

You guys are gonna be great.

[ Laughter ]

But if you were upsetor you were offended in any way,

please don't worry.

I've only gottwo more rape jokes...

[ Laughter ]

...and I'll waitabout 15 minutes.