Uncensored - Kumail Nanjiani - Pakistani Birthday Entertainment Pt. 1

Kumail Nanjiani: Beta Male Season 1, Ep 1 07/20/2013 Views: 22,552

Kumail Nanjiani explains a time-honored Pakistani birthday tradition. (2:31)

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Most birthday's in Pakistan,

a monkey shows up.

All right.

The factthat you just accepted that

is racist.

[cheers and applause]

But it also does happen.

But the factthat it makes sense to you,

the fact that you guyswere like,

"Oh, yeah, in Pakistan, theyhave monkeys at their birthdays.

That's how they do things."


You guys areaccurate racists.

But this is true,

most birthdays in Pakistan,the entertainment

is that a monkey shows upwith, like, his trainer guy.

Yeah, he doesn't just, like,show up on his--

He doesn't just drive over.

We have laws.

Monkey shows upwith his trainer guy,

and they put ona little show.

And it is a fuckinggreat show, you guys.

It is such a good show.

The monkey has, like,

a little monkey bikethat he monkey rides.

Just, like,a little monkey--

his butt wiggles'cause he's like,

"I have to keep the tailout of the spokes."

It has learnedthrough experience.

Just like a little monkeyon a bike.

He has, like, a little hatthat he wears.

The monkey has a hatthat he wears,

and he walks aroundlike a proper gentleman.

Like, he walks around like,like that.

Kicks his legs out,just a hat--

Yeah, and if he sees a woman,he's like,

"Oh, hello, lady."

He recognizes women!

Just like, "Oh, hello."

Which I'm surehe was taught to do

through a lot of violence.

You can't just convincea monkey to walk like that.

You have to hit it

if it walks any other way,and then it knows,

"This ishow I must walk

so that the paindoesn't come."

Great show.

Worth all the monkey torture.

And I've seen the showmany times,

you know,many diff--

Yeah, it's not justone awesome monkey.

This iswhat we're good at, you know?

Many shows,many different monkeys,

but for some reason,the monkey's name

was always Alumaster,

which translatesto "master of potatoes."

Which is not, like,a Pakistani saying.

We're not going aroundcalling each other that like,

"Dude, you aresuch a master of potatoes.

"This guy's a player.Hide the women.

I'm kidding.Drinks on you."

We don't have drinks.