Eliot Chang - Smoke Bombs

  • Season 14 , Ep 19
  • 01/11/2010
  • Views: 53,739

Eliot Chang used to cheat on his girlfriend a lot, but now he doesn't cheat anymore than he used to. (2:57)

DOESN'T LIKE IT

WHEN I HANG OUTWITH MY EX-GIRLFRIEND.

WHOA-HO!

SHE'S REALLY WORRIEDI'M GONNA HAVE SEX

WITH MY EX-GIRLFRIEND TWICELAST NIGHT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M JUST KIDDING.

I DO MY BEST TO NOT CHEATON BOTH MY GIRLFRIENDS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

EVER CHEAT SO MUCH YOU FORGETWHO YOU'RE CHEATING ON?

YOU'LL BE HANGING OUTWITH YOUR GIRL IN HER HOUSE,

AND YOU'LL SAY THINGS LIKE,

"HEY, YOU GOT TO GET OUT OF HEREBEFORE MY GIRLFRIEND GETS HOME."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"WHAT?""OH, I MEAN I LOVE YOU."

"WHAT?"

"UH..."[ IMITATES EXPLOSION ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT'S RIGHT.ALL CHEATERS CARRY SMOKE BOMBS.

THAT'S RIGHT.

THEY COME IN HANDY ALL THE TIME.

LIKE, "WHERE WERE YOU?"[ IMITATES EXPLOSION ]

SHE GOES FROM BEING ANGRYTO BEING AMAZED.

LIKE, "WOW, MY BOYFRIEND'SA WIZARD.

HE MADEMY QUESTIONS DISAPPEAR."

[ LAUGHTER ]

I USED TO CHEAT A LOT,

BUT NOW I DO NOT CHEATANY MORE THAN I USED TO.

IT'S THE SAME AMOUNT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M JUST KIDDING.I DON'T EVEN HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.

I WONDER WHY.ALL RIGHT, SO...

I CANNOT STAND DUMB GIRLS.

I CANNOT STAND DUMB GIRLS.

I'VE WALKED AWAYIN MID-CONVERSATION,

AS SOON AS I FIGURE OUTTHEY'RE DUMB.

LIKE, "HI, MY NAME'S ELIOT.WHAT'S YOUR NAME?"

"MY N--""OH [BLEEP] FORGET IT.

JESUS CHRIST.OH, MY GOD."

[ APPLAUSE ]

IT'S LIKE, "HERE'S A BOOK.

READ THIS AND CALL MEIN FIVE DAYS, ALL RIGHT?"

AND I PROBABLY PISSED OFF HALFTHE WOMEN IN THE ROOM RIGHT NOW.

THEY'LL BE WAITING FOR MEAFTER THE SHOW.

"HELLO, FUNNYMAN.

TELL ME SOME JOKES NOW,FUNNYMAN!"

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

I'LL JUST, LIKE, THROW A COPYOF COSMO GIRL! ON THE FLOOR

AND WALK AWAY.

IT'S LIKE, "GET HIM!""OH, COSMO GIRL!"

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"I LOVE COSMO GIRL!"

"'GOSSIP GIRL'IS THE BEST SHOW ON TV!"

AND ALL THE GIRLS ARE LIKE,

[ Nasally ] "WHY ARE YOU PICKINGON US -- PICKING ON US?"

[ Normal voice ]YOU KNOW THERE'S A MALE VERSIONTO THAT VOICE, RIGHT?

EVERY MALE DOUCHE BAG HAS THATSAME [BLEEP] DOUCHE-BAG VOICE,

[ Deep voice ] LIKE,"HEY, WHAT'S UP, BRO?!

"WHAT'S UP, BRO?!HIGH FIVE, BRO! HIGH FIVE, BRO!

"YEAH! BRODY, KYLE, TYLER,SPENCER, CODY!

"YEAH!

"[BLEEP] BRO, WHAT'S UP?

"YEAH [BLEEP] BEER!

"AND DRINKIN' AND BEER!

"AND FRATERNITIES AND BEER!

"AND LACROSSE AND BEER!

"AND ABERCROMBIE & FITCHAND BEER!

AND REPRESSED HOMOSEXUALITYAND BEER! YEAH!"

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"COME ON, BRO, LET'S MAKE OUT.

I MEAN HIGH FIVE.HIGH FIVE, BRO. HIGH FIVE."

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