Maria Bamford - Gotta Believe in Something

  • Season 2 , Ep 2
  • 03/31/2011
  • Views: 79,820

According to Maria Bamford's mom, whatever you think about all the time, that's what you worship. (2:33)

A GOOD FEELING,AND I THINK IT FEELS LIKE--

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE IN ATHIRD-WORLD SHANTYTOWN AT NIGHT

AND YOU'RE TERRIFIEDAND YOU SEE THE GLOWING LOGO

OF AN INTERNATIONALCONGLOMERATE IN THE DISTANCE,

AND YOU JUST FEEL LIKE,(breathes deeply)

IT'S GONNA BE OKAY.

(laughter)

SOMEONE'S LOOKING OUTFOR US.

MY MOM IS VERY RELIGIOUS,AND SHE SAID,

"WHATEVER YOU THINKABOUT ALL THE TIME,

THAT'S WHAT YOU WORSHIP."

OH...

(laughter)

IF THAT'S THE CASE,

I'D LIKE EVERYONE TO POP OPENTHEIR DIET COKE CANS

AND TURN TO PAGE 37OF THEIR PEOPLE MAGAZINES!

(cheers and applause)

IN THIS HOLY SCRIPTURE,

WE READ THE PARABLEOF MS. VALERIE BERTINELLI.

ONCE ON TELEVISION,THEN LOST TO POP CULTURE.

NOW WELCOME BACKINTO THE ZEITGEIST AGAIN,

AND THE WORST DRESSEDSHALL BE THE BEST DRESSED,

AND THE BEST DRESSEDSHALL BE THE WORST DRESSED.

(cheers and applause)

YOU GOT TO BELIEVE IN SOMETHING,THOUGH,

'CAUSE THERE'SSO MUCH PRESSURE THESE DAYS,

YOU KNOW, PEOPLE ALWAYS ASKINGYOU THINGS LIKE,

WHAT ARE YOU WORKINGON THESE DAYS?

WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU?WHAT'S YOUR CURRENT PROJECT?

WHAT'S ON YOUR PLATE THESE DAYS?WHAT'S COMING UP WITH YOU?

WHAT'S ON THE NEXT PAGE?WHAT ARE YOU WORKING ON?

(laughter)OH...

OH, I'M DONE.

(laughter and applause)YEAH.

(chuckles nervously)

I FINISHED EARLY.(chuckles)

I'M ACTUALLY LIVINGIN A GRAVY BOAT...

(laughter)

FILLED WITH TASTY GRAVY.

I'M TRYING TO BRINGTHE TENSION OF REALITY SHOWS

INTO MY EVERYDAY REALITY.

I JUST FINISHED A FULL SEASONOF "PROJECT RUNWAY"

WITH MY TWO DOGS.

BLOSSOM. (snorts)

YOU'RE FUNNY,AND YOU'RE CUTE, BUT...

(snorts) YOU PEE ON EVERYTHING.

BUT... (snorts)YOU'RE BLIND.

AND THEN YOU PUT YOUR BUTTIN OUR FACE, AND YOU FART.

MARIA...

(shuddering breaths)

YOU SAY ARE TRYING,BUT YOU'RE CLEARLY NOT.

(laughter)

BLOSSOM.(snorts) YOU'RE IN.

MARIA, YOU'RE OUT.CONGRATULATIONS.

AUF WIEDERSEHEN.(kisses)

(applause)OH... OH...

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