Jim Breuer - Bombing in Sears - Uncensored

Crime 03/01/2016 Views: 9,457

When Jim Breuer prank called the Sears he worked at as former Libyan Prime Minister Muammar al-Gaddafi, his coworker took him much more seriously than he expected. (19:00)

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- So I go, "I have sentsix of my Libyan missiles

"to blow up theSears hardware department

"in Valley Stream, Long Island.

♪ "Ha-lama-ya-am-aya

♪ Yam-ay-ya-ai-ai-ia-ia"

[intense hip-hop music]

[cheers and applause]

- Welcometo "This Is Not Happening."

I'm your host, Ari Shaffir,and today the topic is crime.

[cheers and applause]

You guys, I'm so excitedthis dude is doing my show.

He's been making America laughfor 25 years.

You guys are gonnaabsolutely love him.

Please give it upfor my friend and yours,

Mr. Jim Breuer, everybody.

Let him hear it.

[cheers and applause]

- So I'm gonnatell you about

my first jobthat I ever had,

and this is when I knewI wanted to do stand-up comedy,

and I--you know,like, my daughter's 16 now,

and she's not really surewhat she wants.

I knewfrom the time I was 16

I wanted to act, be funny,and do stand-up.

And so I got a job.

My friend hooked me up,

and I workedin a Sears paint department

in Long Island.

And I ruined a lot homes.

[laughter]

Just destroyed homesfrom 1985 to '88.

If you go to Long Island now,

you just see justcrap jobs of house--

"Why'd you stain your bathroom?"

"This guy told me.He worked at..."

[chuckles]

I really--I mean,it was a joke to me.

There was two of usthat worked in paint,

and it was attached to a mall,

so literally we'd takeone-hour tag team breaks.

So I would get paidfor four hours,

work two hours,and tell everyone,

"No, you won't like it here.

"Go to Benjamin Moore.

Trust me. The paint's better."

So it was a great gig.

Now, when I was there,

the one thing I usedto love doing was,

I would callall the other departments,

just drive them nuts,

because two things when you workat a department store:

A, you have to pick upthe phone.

They tell you that.

Like, "No matter how manycustomers you have,

"you have to pick up the phone.

It's policy."

So as soon as I heard that,I was like,

"Oh, this is gonna be great."

[laughter]

So I would start with the--

and the only--the only people that work

at a department store

are people that are retired

or--or teenagers.

And if it's in between,then you got someone pregnant

or you're going througha bad divorce.

There's no reason whyyou should be 35, like,

"Hi, welcometo Sears hardware today.

Can I help you outwith some drill bits?"

You're just--you're done.

You're livingin your mother's basement.

You're a zero.

So I'd call up old people in,like, linens, you know?

Like,"Hi, this is Carol in linens."

Like, "How you doing today,Carol?

Tell me about your linens."

Um...

And that's--that's--honestly,

where I would do--I would do impressions.

There was this fat kidnamed Scott,

and he workedin the toy department.

Now, this was in the '80s,so every couple years,

a new toy comes outand people, like,

kill each otherto get the toys.

And back then, it wasthe Cabbage Patch doll.

So people are lined up,

and we were nearJamaica, Queens,

so this is a big black area.

Sort of big black Jamaican like:

[with Jamaican accent]"I'm gonna get me

"the Cabbage Patch doll.

"I know they only makethree black ones,

so I want the one."

So Scott was petrified.

You have 40 black womenrunning into his department

at 8:00 in the morning,

and that's whenI would call him.

And he'd be like, "Hello,

this is Sears toy department,Valley Stream--"

I'm like, "Hey,this is Joe Pesci,

"I want to come in there.

"I need a blackCabbage Patch doll.

"And don't give meno rain check,

"or I'm gonna come down thereand bust your balls.

You hear me? I'm gonna be therein 20 minutes."

He comes--"Hey, guys, is that you?"

I'm like, "What--me, what?"

"Joe Pesci's coming here!"

Like, "I--don't give hima rain check, man.

I don't know what to tell you."

[laughter]

So we're inthe paint department one day,

and this new guy comes infrom hardware, all right?

And I'm staring at this banana,

and he's very serious.

He's, like, fixing the stock.

And he's like,"This wrench goes over here.

"And I think these hammersgo over here.

"They're not wherethe Craftsmen are.

"And I just--understand--

I really haveto fix this department up."

And I went, "I gotto break this dummy in."

So I...

[laughter]

I go--I go walking up to him,and I go,

"Hey, man, my name's Jim.

"I work in the paint department.

If you need anything,just let me know."

He gets--he's snippy with me.

And he's, like, in his 40s.

So he goes,"You know what I need?

"I need you to stayin the paint department, okay?

"Because you're young.You look like you're wasted.

Do you cometo this job wasted?"

I'm like,"No, I look like this."

"Oh, okay, right."

[laughter]

He goes, "I hearthe way you talk to the people

"in the paint department.

"It's a joke--people want your help,

"and you don't help them.

"I'm here to explain to them

"what's the differencebetween a crafting tool,

"what drill bits are for,

"and all the different hammers.

"You know howyou can do me a favor?

"Stay out of my department.

"I'm here, and I take thisseriously.

"I want to help people.

Stay in paint."

I was like, "Uh-oh, all right."

And I took his--I took his newspaper.

There was a newspaperon his little desk.

So I'm like, "Yeah, all right."

I took his newspaper and--"I'll show him."

Now, a little part of history.

At that time,

America was in a serioussituation with Libya.

Huge!

Before bin Laden,

there was Muammar Gaddafi,

and he was huge in news,

because he shotsix missiles at a U.S. plane.

He missed.

[laughter]

And then the next day,we bombed his tent.

That's what happened.

And it was huge news.

It was right on--if you--when you went home,

you only had four channelsto watch on TV.

It was beforethere was even remotes.

It would just--your father would go,

"Hey, turn on channel four."

And you'd have to get up like...

[bangs microphone]

[grumbling]"Okay."

And so everything was,

"Next on the news,Muammar Gaddafi.

Is America"--"Muammar Gaddafi"--

"Muammar Gaddafishoots six missiles"--

"Muammar Gaddafi."

And the newspaperthat I'm looking at,

the headline has a pictureof Muammar Gaddafi

with missiles going behind him.

So I'm sitting there,and I went,

"All right,I'm gonna break this dummy in,

and I'm gonna callas Muammar Gaddafi."

[laughter]

'Cause I'm just gonna busthis balls relentlessly.

So I swear on my kidsthis is a true story.

Now...

So I'm a--my--my--where myregister is, I can see him.

He's--he's maybe 75 feet away,

and that--maybe!

And I'm looking right at him,

so I got the phone,

and I'm comf--and I'mlooking at the newspaper,

and I ring his department,

and he picks up the phone.

He goes,"Hello, this is Greg.

"Sears hardwarein Valley Stream, New York.

How may I help you today?"

And I go,"Hello.

"This is Muammar Gaddafi."

And he goes, "Hold on a sec.I got to spell that."

What is--you guys--

[laughter]

He goes,"What is your name?"

I swear to God,"What is your name?"

I said, "Muammar!

"Muammar Gaddafi!

The great Libyan leader!"

And he goes,"Well, how can I help you?"

[laughter]

So I don't knowif he's playing with me.

So I go, "I have sent sixof my Libyan missiles

"to blow up the Searshardware department

"in Valley Stream, Long Island.

♪ "Ha-lama-ya-am-aya

♪ "Yam-ay-ya-ai-ai-ia-ia

♪ "Yaa-ai-ai-yaa

♪ Ay-yai-yaa"

At least that loud.At least that loud.

I'm not even exaggerating.

And I go,"You have 15 minutes

"to evacuate allof your Craftsmen tools

"and the hammers and thetool bits of the hardware.

♪ "Yam-ay-ya-ai-ai-ia-ia

[imitates missiles launching]

"Three missiles are--

[imitates missile launching]

Four missile!"

[imitates missiles launching]

And--

and he's just sitting there,listening.

[laughter]

And he goes, "Is there any--is there anything I can--

anything else I can dofor you, Mr. Gaddafi?"

And I go, "Yes, you rememberthis, my friend.

Long live paint!"

Right?

[laughter and applause]

Wait.

[laughter and applause]

That's not the funny part.

[laughter]

So...

the break room wasattached to paint.

I leave into the break room,

and I'm like, "This isthe greatest call ever

in history."

I'm cracking up.

I'm at the break room,

and I'm picking outwhatever snacks I'm getting,

and I come back on the floor,and I went, "You know what?

"Let me--let me call him up

and tell him I was bustinghis chops, all right?"

So I call him up,and he doesn't answer.

So I'm like, "Oh,that's a big no-no."

[laughter]

I'm gonna report him.

[laughter]

So I call the supervisor,

and he doesn't--he's not picking up the phone.

I'm like, "What--what is"--

And then--and then I'm looking around.

[laughter]

And there's no one on the floor.

There's no customers.

There's no salespeople.

And I really--I swear to God, I'm like,

"Is it a holiday?Were we supposed to leave at--

What the hell's going on?"

So it's just me on the wholesecond floor at Sears,

hanging out in paint.

And then all of a sudden,

guy comes throughthe stock doors

in regular clothes, like,

"Bro, let's go!We got to go!

"We got to go!Right now!

"We got one more.We got more!

Let's go!"

I'm like, "Oh, my God!

All right.Let's get out of here!"

I thought there was a fire.

So I'm running with him.

[laughter]

I thought it was a fire.

I don't know what's going on.

I don't smell the smoke.

He goes,"No, no, no, it's not a fire!

"It's a bomb!

A bomb's gonna go offany minute!"

I said,"What are you talking about?"

He goes,"The new guy in hardware

had someone call in said they'regonna blow the place up!"

[laughter]

And I did what you did;I just laughed!

That's funny.

[cackles]That's dope.

That's why there's no--

are you kidding me?

I said, "That's why there'sno one in Sears?"

He goes, "Yeah, and the mall.

They evacuated the mall."

I'm like...

[laughter and applause]

Wha--how did he geta bomb threat?

I said I wasMuammar Gaddafi...

and I sent sixLibyan missiles...

to hit Sears hardware.

Valley Stream, New York,

which then proceeded with a...

♪ Ha-la-mayama-ma-ai-ah

♪ Alam-ai-ai-ayaaa

I ended by saying,

"Long live paint!"

[laughter]

That guy's a suspect.

"How can you hire that guy?

"He's a--he's a suspect!

"Tell everyone to come back.

That's so stupid--this is hilarious!"

He goes, "It's not funny, man.It's not funny.

"Wait till you see who's waitingfor you downstairs.

"There's a million copsdownstairs.

Like, I think you're gettingarrested."

And I went, "Pshh. Heh.

Just tell themthe story, man."

[laughter]

So I go down,and there's a lot of cops--

there's a lot of cops,

and I hear, like...

[imitating helicopter]

I'm like, "Is that a helicopter?

"This is great![laughter]

This is great!"

So I'm literally going throughthe ranks of the cops,

and one after they other,they go,

"Oh, my God!Wait till--"

[imitates walkie-talkie static]

"Sarge, hurry up.

You got to hear this story."

[laughter]

"Here's a card.

"If you ever need anything,you call that thing.

"I'm serious.You want to dump a body.

"You need--you know.

"You're wasted,slam into a tree,

"you call me, man.

You got to call me."

He goes, "You shouldbecome a comedian."

I said,"That's what I'm trying to do."

He goes, "Seriously,you got to become a comedian,

"because--and that guy is a suspect.

"I agree with you.He's a suspect.

He's a suspect."

[cheers and applause]

So the sarge comes, right?

And I'm so excited.

I've got the highest rank.

He's like, "Sarge!

"Let sarge through.

"Wait--Sarge,wait till you hear this story.

"Bro, you got to do the...♪ Ha-lam-a

"He's gonna love this story.He's gonna love this story."

So I go throughthe story with Sarge,

and I end with"Long live paint!"

And he's going,"Oh, my God!

"What are you doing here?

"What are you d--

"Here, take a card.I'm the sarge.

If you need anything..."

He goes,"You should get on stage.

You should become a comedian."

I said, "I'm working on it.That's--"

He goes, "Listen, I haveno problem what you did.

"Obviously, that guy's gotproblems in hardware.

"There's something off with him.

"He might be a suspect.

"I don't know,but here's the problem.

"The problem is,it's out of my jurisdiction.

The feds are here."

[crowd exclaims]

I figured, "I'm killing.

"Let's bring it to a new level.

"Bring them in.Bring the feds in.

"Bring the feds in.

"I want a badge.

If we're gonna go badges,let's go to the top."

Now, they're not--

they're not as looseas the cops.

They're just--

these guys look like somethingyou would see in a movie, right?

And there's--and the one guy comes through,

and he looks pretty intense,

and he pulls up--he pulls up a chair.

You know, like...

♪ Dun, dun-dun dun

He goes, "I don't know whateveryone thinks is so funny.

"Okay?

"I had to come infrom JFK International Airport.

"I had to callthe Secretary of Defense.

"Do you realize the situation

"that's going onwith Libya right now

"and Muammar Gaddafi?

"And you think it's funny?

"You think this is funny.

"The cops may think it's funny.

"Your little friendsmay think it's funny.

"Here's how we're gonnadetermine the situation.

"You're gonna look at meand my two agents,

"and you're gonna look usin the eye

"and just tell us facts, okay?

"And if I determinethat your intentions

"were not what I like,

"you don't getto call your parents,

"and you don't getto call a lawyer.

As far as anyone's concerned,you're missing."

[laughter]

"Do you understand thepredicament that you are in?"

"[chuckles]No."

[laughter]

"Are you high?"

"No, this ishow I look all the time."

[cheers and applause]

So I--

and he goes, "Look."

[cackles]

He goes, "Look them in the eye."

I said, "All right, all right,all right.

"All right, so I'm in paint.

[laughter]

"And I callthe guy from hardware,

"and he says, 'Hello, this Greg,Sears hardware,

"'Valley Stream, New York.

How may I help you?'"

[laughter]

And I go through the story,and I go,

"I've sent six Libyan missilesto blow up the Sears hardware.

♪ "Ha-la-maa

♪ "Ya-la-ba-ya-naa

♪ "Ya-ma-na-ma-yaa

"That's what I did, man.

I'm just saying to youwhat I did."

He goes, "Well, is that it?"

I went, "No, I ended by saying,

"'Long live paint!'

And that's why we're here."

[laughter]

"I got some police cardsif you want to see..."

[cheers and applause]

And he just--he stared at mefor, like, ten seconds.

And then he goes...

[chuckles]

[cheers and applause]

- Yeah!

- Whoo-hoo!

- "I'll do the paperwork.

You should become a comedian,man."

[cheers and applause]

"Get that guy from hardware.

"He's a suspect.

Go get that guy."

Thank you, guys.

[cheers and applause]