I picked upmy buddy's kid from a...
from this, uh... this-this park
and this playgroundthat he was at, and...
I just...it's so sad 'cause there...
I looked at the playground,there was nowhere to get hurt.
Like, there was nowherefor tetanus to be caught.(crowd laughing)
I was like, "What? Come on.
Where's creepy, rapey Phil?"Like, there's no one...
It was the safest playgroundI've ever seen in my life.
Everything was plastic,it was really cute and nice,
and there was, like,cut-up rubber on the ground
for them to land on.And I was like, "This is
"exactly the opposite
of what my playgrounds were likewhen we were kids."
Do you remember our playgrounds?
I don't know what whackadoo teamof engineers
was making our playgrounds,but they wanted to kill us.
They wanted to hurt us so bad.
They were just in a room, like,"All right, we got to, uh...
"got to make a playground.
"Um, let's go make a slide.
"I guess we got to makea slide for them.
"Uh... Hey, is it gonna besitting in the sun all day long?
"We should make it out of metal.Make it out of metal.
"Yes. Make it out of metal.
"Yeah, it'll burn right throughtheir little Umbro shorts.
"They'll just get on it
"and just, uh, skippy down.
"And just blood trailsall the way down the slide.
Oh, it'll be hilarious."
"What about in the winter?""Oh, it'll be an ice luge.
"It'll be... an ice luge.
"What's gonna slow them downat the bottom?
Probably their face-- theirfaces will slow them down."
They hadthese diabolical machines.
They're like,"Go get me a truck tire!
"Put some rusty chains on it!
"Just... I wanta big piece of metal
"that just spins aroundfor no reason.
"Yeah, what's it gonna...
Oh, someone will just die on it,for sure."
Or my favorite, my favorite was,
"Go get me a huge piece of wood,a big 2x4.
"We're gonna put a, uh...
"a thing, a barin the middle of it.
"It's, uh, just gonna rock upand down.
"And the sole safetyof an eight-year-old kid
"ten feet off the ground
will just besome other eight-year-old kid."
"You think he's gonna jump offwhen his buddy..."
"No, no, no."
The whole time, you were like,
(chuckles)"You having fun, man?
Can't wait to break your hip."