Okay, kind of.
Well, hello, if I didn'tsay it before.
I'm trying to find a deeper,
truer meaningto the word "hello,"
'cause it's a wordthat we say so much
that sometimes it feels,you know, meaningless.
And I was looking it uponline the other night--
and that's how you knowyou're alone.
When you... are in bedalone on the Internet
late at night and you're not looking at porn.
Like, you're beyond porn.
You're like, "Well, nothingleft but clips of break-dances
"and, uh, billiardstrick shot videos,
"'cause knowing random things
is the same as a personality,right, myself?"
And usually in that place,I'm like,
"What's the opposite of sex?Education!"
Then I tryto teach myself something.
So, "hello" usedto not be a greeting.
It used to meanone of two things.
It used to be a callinto the darkness.
"Is anyone there?" you know?
You'd say, "Hello!"in a forest alone
and hope you didn't hear wolves.
And then the otherwas what you said
when you weresurprised by-- "Hello!"
That was the other one.
You weren't expecting someonethere in your face.
Maybe a wolf. "Hello!"
You don't have to say itlike you're in
a local production of Bye Bye Birdie, but...
it does help convey the meaning.
And, uh, I love that,
'cause that meanson some deep visceral level,
"hello" really means"I am scared."
And that's what we're sayingto people all the time.
We have no idea!That's what we're doing
walking down the street,"I'm scared, I'm scared.
"Oh, okay,I got a important phone call.
"Might be my boss.Hold on real quick.
And I love that.
And "good-bye"used to be "God be with ye."
But we were like,"I don't have time for that."
Keep half the letters--much more usable.
And I think we should go backto "God be with ye,"
because that isthe scariest thing
you can say to someone's face...
right before they exit yours.
You got to balance out"I'm scared."
Like, next timesomeone's like, "I'm leaving,"
don't be like,"Okay, see ya."
Put on a show!
Turn on some dramatic musicand just go,
"I know not what will happenwhen you leave my sight.
"There is much world,and there are as many knives
"as there are hands of strangersto wield them against you!
"Terror and fearare your only true companions
"in this beast's gutwe call existence.
"I'd go with you,but I just got this couch
"to the perfect degreeof ass warmth...
"and also theseWorldStarHipHop
"bus driver video fights
"aren't goingto watch themselves.
"So, until next I gaze uponyour face,
God be with ye."