Uncensored - Kumail Nanjiani - House of Betas Pt. 1

Kumail Nanjiani: Beta Male Season 1, Ep 1 07/20/2013 Views: 6,917

Even though Kumail Nanjiani loves horror movies, he is not good with real-life scary situations. (2:31)

Watch Full Episode

- This is the last storyI'll tell.

I don't know why I likehorror movies and stuff

'cause in real life,I'm a coward, like, I'm not good

in real lifescary situations.

I'll give you an example.

A few years ago,I lived in Chicago.

And, uh--- Whoo!

- Yeah, it is pretty fancy.

I like the guy that "whoo"edwas like, "Whoo."

Like, you had that, like,"What am I doing?"

Sir, you did it.

There's no stringsgoing up to the ceiling.

You were like, "Whoo!Come on!

"What the fuck?

Making me looklike an asshole."

I look up,there's Julie Andrews.

That is a Sound of Music reference.

[cheers and applause]

I lived in Chicago,

and I had three roommates,me, a guy,

two girls.

This is about scary shit.

And we had rentedthe whole house.

So we have the whole--We have the basement,

the regular floor,the ground floor,

and then the attic.

And the attic is empty.It's unfinished.

Nobody's up there.Nobody ever goes up there.

It's empty, you know?

One of my roommates, Katie,does not have a job.

Whenever we come home from work,Katie's like,

"Uh, whenever you guysleave the house,

I can hear someone walkingaround our attic."


And we go,"Shut the fuck up.

"Get a job.

Lies don't pay the rent."

For weeks, she says this.We dismiss her.

One day I'm at home,

and Katie comes into my room,and she's like,

"Hey, come here right now.Come into my room."

I go into Katie's room,and I hear

someone walkingaround my attic.

Like, deliberate, human,scary, hobo footsteps.

And I immediatelystart freaking out.

Like, immediately at 100,you know?

Just freaking out.

And we start doing that yelling,whispering thing, you know?

Like, "What are we gonna do?

What are we gonna do?"

And then I'm like,"If there is somebody up there,

"he's gonna know we're inthe house, but we're whispering.

"He's gonna knowwe're onto him.

He's gonna come downand kill us all."

So we decide to have, like,parallel conversations,

like, a fakedecoy conversation

just to throw him off,you know?

Like we're like,"What are we gonna do?"

"We should bake a cake!"

"I am freaking outright now."

"I like chocolate!"

So if thereis somebody there,

all he hearsis silence broken

by, "Chocolate cake!"

Just, like, panicked criesof, "Chocolate cake!"

What could bemore suspicious?

He's gonna murderall of us.