Ari Shaffir - Going to the Pot Doctor

Ari Shaffir: Passive Aggressive Season 1, Ep 1 03/13/2015 Views: 6,479

Ari Shaffir has no interest in coming up with fake symptoms in order to get a medical marijuana prescription. (2:40)

I like pot.I'm a pothead.

[cheers and applause]

Yeah, as are a lot of you,right?

People tell me you getin trouble here in New York.

And I was like,"Really? That seems stupid."

It's just a little weed.

I never, like,had to go to a dealer.

I started smoking pot in, like,the legal-ish system

of California.

You know, where you just goto a doctor.

You know the deal.You've all heard of it.

It's so fucking stupidand crooked.

You just make up any diseasethat's ever existed.

If you can think of any diseasethat's ever existed,

you are sick enough to get yourmedical marijuana prescription.

You'd be like, "Oh, I just feelreally polio-ish today."

Light it up!

It's so stupid.

And you have to renewyour persip-scription,

or whatever it's called,prescription,

you have to renew it every year.

Prescription--whatever.Every year you gotta renew.

As if they're gonna finda cure someday.

Like, "Yay! Maybe."

Hopefully scientists are workingaround the clock

to get me better.

It's so stupid.This year, I didn't even do it.

The first yearI got really into it,

I was worried that he wasn'tgonna give me my license.

So he was like,"What are your symptoms?"

I was like, "Oh, I had kneesurgery a few years ago,

"and that still causes me painonce in a while,

"and I suffer fromsleeplessness,

and I occasionallyhave had depression."

And the doctor's like,"Easy, easy,

you're gonna lose your voice."

"You had me at,'Here's 40 bucks.'"

You're sick enough.

You got 40 bucks.You got a problem.

So this year, I'm like,"I'm not doing this.

"I'm a grown man. Why am I lyingto another grown man?

This is stupid."

So I went in there, and theygive you all these forms

to fill out.

They're trying to be likereal doctors.

They ask you for, like,family medical history,

stuff like that.

I left everything blank.

I just wrote down in one box,

"I like to get high, bro."

That's it.

Capital "B,"capital "R," capital "O."

And I gave it back to them,

and they put you inthis waiting room.

You have to sit there for, like,ten minutes in this office.

And then this doctor comes out.

I guess he's a doctor.He's got a lab coat.

He's got--he's got a lab coatand a dusty stethoscope.

And he comes in, and he goes,"So..."

And he looks over the forms.He gets to that part.

I can tell,he, like, rolls his eyes.

And he's like,"All right, so, you know,

what are your symptoms?"

I'm like, "What symptomsare you talking about, dude?

"I'm (bleep) fine.I like to get ripped.

"I think you can figure outthe situation.

"You're a smart guy.You went to medical school.

"I think you can decodethe (bleep) ruse we're playing

"that me and the eightcollege kids outside

didn't just catch the plagueall of a sudden."

And he goes, "I'm gonnawrite down anxiety."

[laughter and applause]