Ben Roy - Traffic Paparazzi

The Wolf of Bourbon Street Season 2, Ep 5 10/03/2014 Views: 4,104

Ben Roy has figured out how to beat government officials at their own game. (2:21)

I LOVE YOUR CITY.

THIS PLACE IS [bleep] AWESOME.

[cheers and applause]

NOT THAT AWESOME.

I LIKE IT.IT'S SUPER RAD.

BUT I CAN SEE THAT YOU GUYS

HAVE THE SAME PROBLEMTHAT WE HAVE EVERYWHERE ELSE

IN THE UNITED STATES RIGHT NOW,WHICH IS THOSE STUPID

TRAFFIC-MOUNTEDRADAR CAMERA THINGS.

[scattered cheers]

DO YOU KNOW WHATI'M TALKING ABOUT?

DOESN'T THAT SHITPISS YOU OFF?

- YEAH!

- IF YOU DON'T KNOWWHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT--

AND THOSE OUT IN TV LAND--BASICALLY,

WHAT HAS HAPPENEDIS THAT EVERY MUNICIPALITY

IN THE UNITED STATESHAS DECIDED

THAT IF YOUR FRONT TIRESCROSS OVER A CROSSWALK,

OR MAYBE YOU GO THROUGHAN INTERSECTION

A LITTLE BIT LATE,OR MAYBE YOU'RE GOING

A FEW MILES OVERTHE SPEED LIMIT,

THAT IT IS THEN SAFE FOR THEM

TO REWARD YOUR UNSAFE BEHAVIOR

BY BLINDING YOUIN AN INTERSECTION

LIKE THEY'RE TRAFFIC PAPARAZZI.

RIGHT?

TAKING YOUR PHOTOBEHIND THE STEERING WHEEL.

AND THEN TWO WEEKS LATER,YOU GET A PHOTOGRAPH

IN THE MAILOF YOUR DUMB FACE, RIGHT?

YOU KNOW WHATI'M TALKING ABOUT?

WELL, IN DENVER, WE HAVEA VAN THAT JUST PARKS THERE.

NOW I THOUGHTABOUT VANDALIZING THEM,

BUT I'M TOO OLD,AND I CAN'T FIT INTO

THAT AIRBRUSHEDTUPAC SHIRT ANYMORE.

WHEN I SEE ONE OF THESEPHOTO RADAR VEHICLES NOW

OR ONE OF THESETRAFFIC-MOUNTED CAMERAS,

I NO LONGER SLOW DOWN.

WHAT I DO IS,I ACCELERATE TOWARDS THEM

AT A REASONABLELAW-BREAKING SPEED.

THEN AS I GETWITHIN RANGE OF IT,

I SLOWLY LOWER MY SEATALL THE WAY BACK.

THEN WHAT I DO ISGRAB THE BOTTOM

OF MY STEERING WHEEL,AND AS THE CAMERA GOES OFF,

I LAY FLAT AND BLOWRIGHT BY THE THING, WHICH--

THOSE OF YOU THAT ARE LAUGHINGARE DOING THE MATH IN YOUR HEAD.

'CAUSE THAT MEANSTWO WEEKS LATER,

I INEVITABLY GET A PHOTOGRAPHIN THE MAIL

OF MY CAR DRIVENBY ABSOLUTELY [bleep] NOBODY,

WHICH IS AWESOME, RIGHT?

I LOVE IT TOO'CAUSE IT SENDS A MESSAGE

TO OUR SHITTY BUREAUCRATICLAWMAKERS.

IT SAYS, "HEY.

"IF YOU DON'TTECHNICALLY HAVE TO BE THERE

"WHEN ISSUING ME A TICKET,

"I GUESS I DON'TTECHNICALLY HAVE TO BE THERE

WHEN RECEIVING ONE, NOW, DO I?"

THAT'S THE BEST WAYTO DEAL WITH IT.