Lenny Clarke - Moon Rocks

Lenny Clarke & Mark Pitta Season 1, Ep 0101 02/24/1992 Views: 713

Lenny Clarke was not qualified to be an astronaut. (2:59)

"REALLY, DAD?"

"WHATEVER YOU WANT."

I WANTED TO BEAN ASTRONAUT.

DID ANYBODY WANT THAT?

ANYBODY AT ALL?

DID YOU REALLY, SIR?

DID YOU APPLY FOR THE JOB?

NO, YOU JUST GET UPONE DAY AT LUNCH

SAID, "AH, IT AIN'THAPPENING, FORGET IT."

YOU WOULD HAVE BEENA GOOD ASTRONAUT.

IS THIS YOUR DATE?

GOOD-LOOKING COUPLE.

IF YOU EVER GET MARRIED ANDHAVE KIDS, YOU'D HAVE NICE KIDS.

BELIEVE ME, I'M AN HONEST GUY.

I SAW THESE TWO UGLY PEOPLE.

I SAID, "HEY, YOU'RE NOTGOING TO HAVE ANY KIDS?"

YOU GOT TO THINK AHEAD.

BUT IT WAS JUST ME AND YOU.

WE'RE THE ONLY ONES THATWANTED TO BE ASTRONAUTS

WE STILL COULDN'T GET THE JOB.

I STOLE MY FATHER'S CAR,DROVE DOWN TO CAPE KENNEDY.

I SAID, "MY NAME'S LENNY CLARKE.

"I JUST GOT OUT OF COLLEGE.

"I'VE GOT NOTHING TO DOWITH MY LIFE.

I'M READY TO BE PROPELLED UPINTO OUTER SPACE."

THEY LAUGHED AND SAID,"WE CAN'T USE YOU.

YOU'RE NOT QUALIFIED."

"YOU'RE SENDING MONKEYS ANDCHICKENS AND COWS UP THERE.

I'M NOT QUALIFIED?"

"SECURITY, SECURITY."

I HAD TO THINK FAST

SO I STOOD ON MY HEADAND I MIXED SOME TANG

JUST TO SHOW THEMI KNEW WHAT I WAS DOING.

NOW, I NEVER GOT THE JOB.

BUT I'M GLAD NOW.

I MEAN, THINK OF IT.

WE ARE SPENDINGBILLIONS OF DOLLARS

TO GO TO OUTER SPACE FOR WHAT?

WHAT DO WE COME BACK WITH?

MOON ROCKS--HAS THAT HELPED ANYBODY?

THE HOMELESS PEOPLE ARE GOING

"OOH, I HOPE WE GETA MOON ROCK NEXT TRIP."

THEY SPENT $5 BILLIONON THIS HUBBLE TELESCOPE.

COST OVERRUNS, UP TO $6 BILLION.

SOME GUY NAMED ERNIEGETS DRUNK AT LUNCH

PUTS IT, CRACKS THE LENS UP.

"YEAH, IT'S READY TO GO."

THEY SEND IT UP.

NOW IT'S NOT WORKING.

THEY SAY, "WELL,THE LENS IS CRACKED

"AND IT'S GOING TO COST US

ANOTHER $3 MILLIONAND FOUR MORE YEARS."

$3 MILLION AND FOUR YEARSTO FIX A CRACKED LENS?

HAVEN'T THESE PEOPLE EVERHEARD OF LENSCRAFTERS?

AM I THE ONLY ONETHAT WATCHES TV?

I THINK IF WE TAKETHIS $25 BILLION

AND PUT IT INTO SOME MONEYFOR THE HOMELESS PEOPLE--

THEY'RE THE ONESWHO GOT IT TOUGH.

WE JUST GET THROUGHSOME RAINY SEASON--

HOMELESS PEOPLEBEING WASHED AWAY.

"OH, WELL, WE CAN'T SHOW THAT."

WHAT DO YOU MEANWE CAN'T SHOW THAT?

THESE WERE OUR PEOPLE.

TAKE A LOOK AT ME.

YOU AT HOME, I AMA WHITE AMERICAN MALE.

ACCORDING TOTHE LOS ANGELES TIMES

IN FIVE YEARS, I'LL BEA MINORITY IN THIS COUNTRY.

I WAS UPSET FOR AWHILE,BUT FIGURE WHAT THE HELL?

FINALLY, I'LL BE ABLE TO GETMONEY FROM THE GOVERNMENT.

I'M GLAD YOU LAUGHED.

NO, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

THE BLACK PEOPLE IN THE ROOMARE LAUGHING.

THIS IS NO BLACK/WHITE SLAM.

MAYBE BLACKS AND WHITES HADTROUBLE BEFORE IN THIS COUNTRY

BUT NEVER HAVE WE NEEDEDEACH OTHER MORE.

WE'RE THE ONLY ONESWHO UNDERSTAND ENGLISH.

THINK ABOUT WHAT I'M SAYING.

I HAVE NOTHING AGAINSTFOREIGN PEOPLE.

ALL RIGHT, I GOT ONE THINGAGAINST FOREIGN PEOPLE.

WHY SHOULD I LIE? WE'RE ON TV.

IT'S THE LOTTERY.

THAT'S IT, THAT'S MY MONEY.

IF I SEE ONE MORE HINDU GUYHIT FOR $10 MILLION