Jeff Dunham - Walter - Sex

  • Season 7 , Ep 22
  • 07/17/2003
  • Views: 76,377

Walter and his wife have sex zero times a week. (2:26)

"YOU IDIOT, I'M MARRIED.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I'M TOO OLD."

YOU'RE NOT TOO OLD.

"HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?"

WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

BUT I DO KNOW I HAD

GRANDPARENTS, WHO WELL INTO

THEIR 80s, WERE STILL HAVING

FUN.

"THEIR 80s?

THE HELL KINDA SEX IS THAT?

'WAS IT GOOD FOR YOU?'

'I DON'T REMEMBER.'

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

'IT WAS THREE MINUTES AGO.'

'WHO ARE YOU?'"

COME ON, WALTER, SERIOUSLY.

HOW MANY TIMES A WEEK DO YOU

AND YOUR WIFE MAKE LOVE?

"TIMES A WEEK?

GOOD GOD.

I HAVE TO USE A DECIMAL

TO ANSWER THIS ONE.

[LAUGHTER]

ACTUALLY, LATELY, IT'S BEEN

NONE.

AND I'M PUSHING FOR LESS."

[LAUGHTER]

WELL, HOW WAS YOUR LOVE LIFE

BEFORE YOU GOT MARRIED?

"OH.

I USED TO DATE THIS EXOTIC WOMAN

FROM INDIA."

INDIA?

"OH, SURE.

TOOK ME HOME TO VISIT HER

FAMILY.

THAT'S A WEIRD-ASS COUNTRY

OVER THERE."

WHAT'S WRONG WITH INDIA?

"NOTHING.

I JUST DON'T GET IT."

WHAT?

"ALL THE WOMEN GOT THE RED DOTS

ON THEIR FOREHEAD.

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

'YOU ARE HERE?'

[LAUGHTER]

THE RED DOT INDICATES THAT THE

WOMAN IS MARRIED.

"OH, WELL, THAT'S A MORE

EFFICIENT SYSTEM THAN WHAT WE

GOT."

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

"WE GOT RINGS."

SO?

"WELL, THINK ABOUT IT.

YOU GO INTO A CLUB HERE,

WHERE'S YOUR HAND?

I CAN'T SEE THE RING.

IT'S UNDER THE TABLE.

WHERE'S THE DAMN RING,

I DON'T SEE.

GO TO A CLUB IN INDIA, DOT, DOT,

NO DOT, NO DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT,

DOT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HEY, LET'S CONNECT 'EM."

OH, STOP IT.

"BING, COFFEE'S READY."

STOP IT.

YOU'RE GONNA GET ME IN TROUBLE.

"I DON'T CARE.

WE'RE FLYING OUTTA HERE IN

THE MORNING.

I'M NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO GOING

TO THE DAMN AIRPORT."

YOU DON'T LIKE SECURITY?

"NO.

SICK AND TIRED OF ALL THE

SECURITY CRAP."

WELL, WALTER GOES THROUGH

SECURITY A LITTLE DIFFERENTLY

THAN WE DO.

WE WALK THROUGH THE METAL

DETECTOR.

"NOT ME."

NO.

HE'S IN MY CARRY-ON.

"YOU CHEAP BASTARD.

I GO IN THE X-RAY MACHINE.

I'M GONNA HAVE CANCER TONIGHT.

YOU KNOW WHAT MY HEAD LOOKS LIKE

IN AN X-RAY?

I GOT WIRES AND LEVERS.

I'M GOING THROUGH, AND THE OTHER

DAY, THE GUY STOPS THE BELT.

HE LOOKS AT THE SCREEN.

HE TURNED TO JEFF.

HE GOES, 'SIR, LOOKS LIKE YOU

GOT A BOMB IN YOUR SUITCASE.'

OH, GENIUS HERE GOES, 'NO, SIR,

IT'S A HEAD.'

[LAUGHTER]

SWEAR TO GOD, THE GUY GOES,

'OH, WELL HAVE A NICE DAY.'"

WALTER, HAVE YOU ENJOYED THIS

CROWD?

"YOU'VE BEEN A LOVELY AUDIENCE."

THAT'S WALTER, THERE WE GO,

ALL RIGHT.

THANK YOU.

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