Kelly Monteith - Our Asses

Season 1 , Ep 0112 02/24/92 Views: 1,277

Our asses come up in conversation all the time. (2:46)

THAT'S KIND OF SCARY.

IN FACT, THEY'RE GOINGTO HAVE TO CHANGE THE RECORDING

DOWN AT THE AIRPORT TO READ

"NOW THE WHITE ZONE ISFOR LOADING AND RELOADING ONLY.

NO FIRING."

THE CAR, IT'S DRIVING US NUTS.

I REALLY BELIEVE THIS, AND I'LLTELL YOU WHY I THINK IT.

BECAUSE I NOTICE I'M IN MY CAR

AND I'M SCREAMING AT PEOPLETHAT ARE DRIVING STUPID.

I GET OUT OF MY CAR

I GET BEHIND SOMEBODYTHAT'S WALKING STUPID

I DON'T SAY NOTHING.

IT'S JUST AS FRUSTRATING.

THERE'S PEOPLE THAT WALKJUST AS DUMB AS THEY DRIVE.

I'M SURE IT'S HAPPENED TO YOU.

YOU'RE LATE FOR SOMETHING

YOU'RE RUNNING DOWN THAT HALLWAY

YOU GET BEHIND THAT OLD COUPLEGOING REAL SLOW

SO YOU TRY AND PASS THEM.

NOW THE OLD MAN STARTSDRIFTING TO THE LEFT THERE.

( laughter )

SO YOU RUN TO THE RIGHT.

NOW THE OLD LADY'SHEADING FOR THE WALL.

CAN'T SQUEEZE BY THAT WAY.

YOU GO IN THE MIDDLE, ANDTHEN THEY COME TOGETHER AGAIN

LIKE THEYCHOREOGRAPHED THIS ON YOU.

SEE THE PEOPLE BEHIND THEMDOING THAT FRUSTRATED DANCE.

BUT THEY AIN'T YELLING AT THEM

"COME ON, YOU OLD BASTARD,MOVE OVER!

"THIS IS THE FAST LANE.

"GET IN THE ONEWHERE THE SLOW PEOPLE WALK.

"IF THAT LIQUOR STORE'S CLOSEDWHEN I GET THERE

"SOMEBODY'S GOING TO DIE.

I'M STILL MAD..."( imitates gunshot ).

( laughter )

WE DON'T DO THAT WHEN WE WALK.

I THINK PEOPLE AREJUST AS ANGRY

BUT THEY'RE POLITE BECAUSEYOU'RE TAUGHT ALL YOUR LIFE

TO SAY "EXCUSE ME"AND "PARDON ME"

AND IT BECOMESSECOND NATURE TO YOU.

SO POLITENESS SORT OF MASKSALL THAT ANGER--

THAT ETIQUETTE COMES OUT

BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE POLITEWHEN THEY WALK.

"PARDON ME, DID I BUMP YOU?"

"OH, THAT'S OKAY.

"YOU'RE UMBRELLA'S HALFWAYUP MY ASS, BUT DON'T WORRY.

"WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

"JUST DON'T OPEN IT UP, OKAY?

"I'M SUPERSTITIOUS ABOUTUMBRELLAS OPENING IN MY ASS.

I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT IT ALWAYSSEEMS TO GIVE ME A BAD DAY."

BECAUSE THAT'S ONE PARTOF OUR ANATOMY

THAT WE REALLY WORRY ABOUT.

WELL, LISTEN IT COMES UPIN CONVERSATION.

ALL THE THINGS WE DOWITH OUR ASS, IT'S AMAZING.

WE WORK IT OFF, RUN IT OFF,DRAG IT HOME AT NIGHT

FREEZE IT OFF, SWEAT IT OFF,LAUGH IT OFF

GET IN A FIGHT AND KICK IT

GO TO VEGAS AND LOSE IT

GO TO WORK AND SHOW IT,THEN COVER IT

THEN GET IT IN A SLING

THEN BUST SOMEBODY ELSE'SAND TRY AND SAVE OUR OWN.

( laughter, applause )

TALK OUT IT, BLOW SMOKE UP IT

TELL PEOPLE TO GET THEIR HEADOUT OF IT.

THAT LEAVES ROOM TO TELL THEM

TO SHOVE ALL KINDS OF OBJECTSUP YOURS

THEN TELL THEM TO KISS MINE.

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