John Oliver - Perfect Crime

  • Season 3 , Ep 1
  • 07/20/2012
  • Views: 31,385

John Oliver knows that it's not easy to watch your empire slip between your fingers. (2:06)

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT HERE.

AND I NEED YOU TO REMEMBER THATDURING SOME OF THE THINGS

THAT I'M GONNA BE SAYINGOVER THE NEXT TEN MINUTES,

BECAUSE THIS IS GONNA BEA VERY EXCITING TIME

FOR ALL OF USTO BE LIVING IN AMERICA

OVER THE NEXT FIVE TO TENTO 20 YEARS

BECAUSE IT'S NOT EASYAS A NATION

WATCHING YOUR EMPIRE SLIPFROM BETWEEN YOUR FINGERS.

WHAT DID I JUST TELL YOUNOT TO FORGET?

I TOLD YOU I LOVED IT HERE,

AND I TOLD YOUIT WOULD BE IMPORTANT.

IT'S NOT EASYTO LOSE AN EMPIRE...

BELIEVE ME.

I HAVE BEEN THROUGHTHIS BEFORE.

I THINK I HAVE A KEY PIECEOF ADVICE FOR YOU

FOR HOW TO HANDLETHE NEXT DECADE AS AN EMPIRE,

AND THAT PIECE OF ADVICEWOULD BE THIS--

STEAL AS MUCH AS YOU CAN.

DO IT, AMERICA.

YOU WILL NOT REGRET IT,BECAUSE BELIEVE ME,

THOSE OBJECTSARE GONNA BE THE MEMORIES

THAT YOU LIVE OFFFOR THE NEXT 200 YEARS.

PLUS, THAT IS THE ONLY WAYYOU GET TO HAVE NICE THINGS

IN YOUR MUSEUMS.

THAT IS A FACT.

I DON'T KNOW IF ANYOF YOU HAVE BEEN

TO THE BRITISH MUSEUMIN LONDON,

BUT IT'S BASICALLYAN ACTIVE CRIME SCENE IN THERE.

(laughter)

THERE SHOULD TECHNICALLY BEYELLOW POLICE TAPE

ALL THE WAY AROUNDTHE OUTSIDE OF IT.

ASK THE ANCIENT GREEKS,NEW YORK,

ASK THE ANCIENT GREEKS WHEREALL THEIR NICE (bleep) WENT,

'CAUSE IF IT WASN'T NAILED DOWNIN ATHENS,

WE WERE LOADING IT ONTO A BOATAND SAILING IT BACK TO BRITAIN.

AND IT WAS SO EASY.

IT WAS THE PERFECT CRIME.

WE JUST WAITEDFOR THE ANCIENT GREEKS

TO DO WHAT GREEK PEOPLE HAVEDONE THROUGHOUT HISTORY--

WAKE UP ATTHE CRACK OF AFTERNOON...

(laughter)

ONLY TOSEE THEIR NICEST OBJECTS

DISAPPEARING OVER A HILLSIDEUNDER AN ELEGANTLY DRESSED

BRITISH ARM SAYING,"YOU SNOOZE, YOU LOSE, SPIRO."

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