Lewis Black - The Next President

  • Season 3 , Ep 1
  • 05/08/2000
  • Views: 8,424

ABOUT THIS NEW MILLENNIUM

IS THAT WE NOW HAVE TO VOTEFOR THE PRESIDENT.

AND I HAVE NOT RECOVEREDF-FROM OUR LAST ELECTION.

WE HAVE NOW NOMINATEDBUSH AND GORE.

IS ANYBODY HOME?

THIS IS IT.THIS IS IT.

THIS ISABOUT AS SCARY AS IT GETS.

WHY?

BECAUSE, FIRST,WE HAVE GEORGE W. BUSH, OKAY,

WHO IS A MAN WHO IS RUNNINGFOR THE PRESIDENCY.

HE'S A MAN WHO WAS A FAILUREUNTIL HE WAS 40 YEARS OLD,

WHICH LOOKS REALLY GOODON YOUR RESUME

IF YOU'RE A COMIC.

[laughter and applause]

AND THE WORST THINGABOUT GEORGE BUSH--

THE WORST THING IS--GEORGE W. BUSH--

IS NOBODY,NOBODY KNOWS WHO HE IS.

WE DON'T KNOW HIM.

WE HAVE SPENT MORE TIMEWITH OUR HAIRSTYLIST

THAN WE HAVE HIM.

NOBODY KNOWS WHO HE ISIN THIS COUNTRY, OKAY?

38% OF THE AMERICAN PEOPLETHINK THAT GEORGE W. BUSH

IS HIS FATHER.

AND 50% THINK THEY'RE TWINS.

AND 12%

OF THE AMERICAN PEOPLENEVER WILL GET THAT JOKE.

[laughter]

AND WE KNOW AL GORE,WHICH MAY BE WORSE.

UNBELIEVABLE.

AL GORE--IT WAS TOUGH ENOUGHWITH THE DULL AL GORE,

WHERE YOU DIDN'T UNDERSTANDWHAT HE WAS SAYING

OR WHY HE WAS TALKING.

NOW YOU'VE GOTTHE NEW, EXCITABLE AL GORE,

WHICH MAY BE EVEN WORSE.

HIS ARMS MOVE IN DIRECTIONSFOR NO APPARENT REASON.

AND HE ACCENTS WORDS--THE WRONG WORDS,

LIKE THE AND AND AND BUT.

[laughter and applause]

EVERY TIME HE TALKS--EVERY TIME HE TALKS,

IF YOU WATCH HIM,

ABOUT EVERY 30 SECONDS, IT LOOKSLIKE HE'S GETTING AN ENEMA.

AND I DON'T THINK AL GORE

SHOULD BE THE PRESIDENTOF THE UNITED STATES,

BECAUSE ONE--IN HIS MOST--

IN HIS MOST IMPORTANT CHOICEAS A HUMAN BEING,

WHO DID HE PICK TO MARRY?

A WOMAN NAMED "TIPPER."

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU,

BUT I'VE BEEN AROUNDQUITE SOME TIME,

AND I'VE MET A LOT OF PEOPLE,

AND I'VE NEVER META WOMAN NAMED TIPPER, OKAY?

I CALLED MY FRIENDS, AND THEY CALLED THEIR FRIENDS,

AND THEY CALLED THEIR FRIENDS,

AND NONE OF THEM HAVE META WOMAN NAMED TIPPER.

[laughter]

THAT IS NOTA PROPER WOMAN'S NAME.

HOW DRUNKWOULD YOU HAVE TO BE

TO ACTUALLY CROSS

AN EXPENSIVE COUNTRY CLUBDANCE FLOOR IN TENNESSEE

AND LOOK A WOMAN IN THE EYEAND SAY,

[slurring]"CAN I HAVE THIS DANCE, TIPPER?"

[laughter]

I JUST DON'T THINK THAT PEOPLE--CERTAIN PEOPLE--

SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO RUNFOR THE PRESIDENCY,

STARTING WITH THOSE TWO,

AND THEN I WOULD PUT ON MY LISTDAN QUAYLE.

NOW, I'M THRILLEDTHAT THE AMERICAN PEOPLE

STOPPED HIM REALLY FROM RUNNINGTHIS TIME, BUT--

YOU KNOW, AND AS A CITIZEN,I'M HAPPY ABOUT THAT.

BUT AS A COMIC,I WEEP.

[laughter]

HE WAS THE BEST.HE WAS THE BEST.

STUFF WOULDCOME OUT OF HIS MOUTH;

HE DIDN'T EVEN KNOWWHAT HE WAS SAYING.

WHEN HE WAS PICKED--

WHEN HE WAS PICKEDTO BE THE VICE PRESIDENT--

HE'S JUST BEEN CHOSEN;

THE SECOND SENTENCEOUT OF HIS MOUTH

IN HIS FIRST SPEECHAS THE VICE PRESIDENTIAL NOMINEE

OF THE REPUBLICAN PARTY,HE SAID,

"WE MUST LOOK FORWARDTO THE FUTURE

OR PAST...TO THE BACK."

HOW WOULD YOUDIAGRAM THAT SENTENCE?

TAKE A PENCIL OUT,SHARPEN IT,

AND SHOVE ITRIGHT IN YOUR TEMPLE.

[laughter and applause]

HE SHOULD NOT--HE SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN ALLOWED

TO RUNFOR THE PRESIDENCY AT ALL.

WHY? 'CAUSE HE COULDN'TSPELL THE WORD POTATO.

I BELIEVE THAT SHOULD BEIN THE CONSTITUTION NOW,

BECAUSE I THINK WE CAN EXPECT

THAT THE PERSONWHO'S THE PRESIDENT

COULD SPELL THAT WORD,

BECAUSE IT'S THE SIMPLEST WORDTO SPELL.

PO-TA-TO.

WHEN YOU'VE SAID IT,YOU'VE SPELT IT, JACKASS.

[laughter]

ALL YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER IS,

YOU DON'T PUT AN E ON THE END.

THAT'S REALLY TOUGH.

HE WAS ACTUALLY--HE SAW IT SPELLED CORRECTLY.

A CHILD IN NEW JERSEYHAD PUT IT ON THE BLACKBOARD,

CORRECTLY SPELLED,

AND HE TOLD THE KIDTO PUT AN E ON THE END,

WHICH MEANS DANIS DOUBLE STUPID.

AND AS SOON AS HE DID THAT,

THE SECRET SERVICESHOULD HAVE RUSHED IN,

THROWN HIM TO THE GROUND,AND JUST SAID,

"THE VICE PRESIDENT'S BEEN SHOT.HE'S BEEN SHOT."

Loading...