And I don't know about you guys,but, like, when I get drunk,
I become... perfect.
It's, like, the closest wordI can think of
to describe how I actwhen I'm drunk.
Like, all of a sudden,I look like Zoe Saldana,
and, like, everything I saymakes a ton of sense.
And that happened, and I guesshe was kind of impressed,
'cause he was like,
"Let's go back to my placeafter this," and I was like...
(speaking slurred gibberish)
Or whatever, just somethingsuper drunk and flirty.
And we went backto his apartment,
started, like, entertainingeach other, as they say.
Or they're gonna say that,I just don't know when.
And it was fine,except for, by that point,
I was holding in
between 50 and 60 farts,
from my, like, insane
broccoli for dinner(bleep) experiment
that I was just living in publicwith a total stranger.
And these weren't,like, little, like,
"Whoopsies,I swallowed wrong" farts,
or whatever normal people get.
These were, like, (bleep)huge (bleep) veggie farts
made of pure steel,with so much info to share.
And they were allqueued up right here,
and it was, like, very painful.
I was trying to ignore them,
but a lot of themwere trying to, like,
Jamiroquai their way outwithout me noticing,
And I was like,"No, you don't!"
And at the time,I didn't know about that trick
where you can justspread your ass cheeks apart,
fart, and then be like--it doesn't make any noise
if you spread your ass cheeksapart and fart.
It makes no noise,and then you can just be like,
"Oh, your apartment's windy.
Anyway, I gota flight to catch."
'Cause it's not likeyou farted, you know?
I didn't know that trick.
I thought, if I fart right now,it's gonna ruin everything.
So I was holding it in.
We did what we could.
You know, like, face stuff,(bleep) stuff.
I didn't want to, like,break his neck, or whatever.
And afterwards, it was fine.
We were laying therenext to each other.
Everything was fine.
Just kind of, like,drifting off into slumber land.
And as soon as my body relaxed
just a little bit, like--
I wasn't even that relaxed.
Like, a little bit morerelaxed than I had been.
(bleep) all 50 farts
just came out as
one giant fartthat was just like,
Like, so loudthat it woke us both up,
and we both knew exactlywhat had happened.
'Cause, like, the sheetswere on the ceiling,
every window was broken,
the cars outsidewere on their side.
And he was just,like, staring at me.
I was like, the only wayto recover from this
is to say somethingreally smart.
So he was staring at me,and I looked back at him,
and I was like,
did you say something?"
Which is literally the smartestthing I've ever said.
Including everythingI just said to you
for the last half hour.
I'm Gabe Liedman.
Thank you so much.