the wrong thing.
I say the wrong thingand it get-
it gets me into troublequite a lot, right.
I've only ever beenin one actual fight
and it washorrible, okay.
I was in a bar, right.
I was in a bar justminding my own business,
just stood in the cornerdrinkin' a Smirnoff Ice.
Which does not necessarilymean you're gay
just because you'redrinkin' a Smirnoff Ice.
I mean, yeah,if I'm drinkin' it
and lookingat my best mate
in the showerwith an erection,
then maybe point a finger,but I wasn't!
He was in the bath, andI-- I stood there, right,
just minding' my ownbusiness and this big guy,
this big, very imposing,intimidatin' lookin' guy,
from Scotland no less, yeah--He just comes up to me,
apropos of nothin',just walks up to me,
shoves me, and he goes,"Oye, pal, are you some
"sort of gay boy?"
So that was hisopening gambit...
and although he phrased itas a question,
I'm pretty surehe wasn't coming onto me.
So this guy is shoving me.
He's pushing me.
"Oh, you are a gay boy.
I grant you, I didn'treally know what to do.
I panicked a little bit.
I froze up.
Then off impulse alone,I don't know why I did it,
I just grabbed him,I swung him 'round
and I kissed him.
He didn't like that.
He punched me.
And suddenly,I was in a fight.
Now, I've always thoughtit'd be quite good
to be in a fightone day.
That's what men do,they fight.
But I haven't thoughtthis far in advance.
I didn't knowwhat I meant to do
in the actualcombat scenario.
It's definitely not that,by the way.
"Go away, you ruffian!"
But he's punching me.
I-I'm thinking to myself,"surely I've been equipped
"for something to do withsort of self-defense
And I thought,"Yes, I was!"
When I was 12 years old,at my school,
we were shown a video thattaught you self-defense,
and I thought back,and I remembered that video.
And the video thatI was shown when I was 12
that was meant to teach meabout self-defense
only taught metwo things
for two very specificscenarios.
The first scenariothat I was equipped for,
thanks to the video I sawwhen I was 12 years old,
was for the verylikely scenario
that you were a womanand it is late at night
and you're walking home alonewith your bag on show...
and as you'rewalking home alone,
a stranger attacksyou from behind
and tries toget at you.
What you're meant to do,ladies, in that situation,
is very calmlyscrape down on his shin
with your high heellike that.
Back off, [deleted]!
I've got other plans.
The second-secondvery specific scenario
that I was equipped for,
thanks to this videoI saw when I was 12,
was for the verylikely scenario that,
yes, once again,you're walking home alone.
This one is non-genderspecific.
You could have a bag...You might not.
And a stranger, once again,decides to attack you,
but this time,his only form of attack
is to race up to youin the street
and try to prod youin the eyes like that.
If he does that,you just do this.
I'm in a fight.
I'm in a fight.
This is all I haveto defend myself.
So as you can imagine,as you can imagine,
he kicks the [deleted]out of me.
And as he's punchin' meand kickin' me,
I'm there,cowering away.
I didn't know whatto do and I thought,
"Maybe I can get outof this by bluffing."
I thoughtI could lie to him.
I could say,"I've got a knife!"
Or, "I've got a gun!"
He might believe me.
He runs away--I'm sorted.
Do what I did, right.
This is the most courageousand manly thing
I've ever donein my entire life.
It took some balls.
I merely swungaround to him.
It was me and my attackereye-to-eye in this moment.
And I fixed him with the mostintimidating stare
that I could muster.
I summoned upmy gravelliest voice.
And then I simplysaid to him,
"Get your hands off me!
"I have got an erection!"
[audience applauding, cheering]
Ran a mile.