Mike DeStefano - The Right Answer

  • Season 14 , Ep 20
  • 01/11/2010
  • Views: 4,928

When a fundamentalist Christian says, "I'll pray for you," that really means "F**k you." (2:05)

I WAS FRIGHTENED TO DEATHAT A SCHOOL.

I GREW UP CATHOLIC.THEY YELL AT YOU.

"JESUS DIED FOR YOUR SINS!"I'M LIKE, "I'M 5!"

[ Irish accent ] "DON'T TOUCHYOUR PENIS. YOU'LL GO TO HELL.

LET FATHER FLANAGANTOUCH IT FOR YOU. COME HERE."

[ Normal voice ]OH, FATHER FLANAGAN.

FATHER FLANAGANDON'T GO TO HELL.

HE JUST GOESTO ANOTHER PARISH, HUH?

IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

AND HERE'S HOW A CHRISTIAN --A FUNDAMENTALIST CHRISTIAN --

TELLS YOU TO GO SCREW YOURSELF.

YOU READY?

"I'LL PRAY FOR YOU."

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT MEANS "[BLEEP] YOU"IN CHRISTIAN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THE WAY I LOOK AT IT IS,IF YOU'RE A HAPPY PERSON --

IF I SEE YOU AND FIND YOU TO BEA JOYFUL PERSON

THAT'S FILLED WITH LOVEAND HAPPINESS,

I'LL ASK YOU WHAT YOU DO.

BUT I DON'T SEE ANYOF THOSE PEOPLE HERE TONIGHT,

SO LEAVE ME ALONE.

IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

I'VE BEENTO THE SPECIAL OLYMPICS.

THAT'S WHERE YOU'LLFIND HAPPINESS.

I'M NOT KIDDING YOU.I WAS SITTING THERE WATCHING.

THIS GUY WAS WINNINGBY 15 LENGTHS.

EVERYBODY'S RUNNING BEHIND HIM.

HE STOPS'CAUSE HE SEES A BUTTERFLY.

AND HE'S LIKE THIS.

AND HE WAS JUST FILLEDWITH HAPPINESS

FROM EAR TO EAR, SMILING.

AND I'M SITTING THERE GOING,

"I PAID TENS OF THOUSANDSOF DOLLARS ON NARCOTICS

TO FEEL THAT WAY."

I'M LIKE, "HE HAS THE ANSWER."

I WENT UP TO HIM, TOO.

I WAS LIKE,"HEY, CAN YOU TELL ME,

LIKE, WHAT'S LIFE ALL ABOUT?"

HE SAID, "CHOCOLATE MILK."

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHAT IF THAT'S THE RIGHT ANSWER?

IMAGINE WE ALL DIE, AND THAT'SWHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT IN THE END.

GOD'S LIKE,"WHERE'S YOUR CHOCOLATE MILK?

YOU CAN'T COME IN."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND ALL THOSE PEOPLE AREBEHIND THE GATES OF HEAVEN,

SAYING,"WHO'S RETARDED NOW? HA."

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