Michael Kosta - Tennis Champion

  • Season 15 , Ep 2
  • 01/11/2011
  • Views: 4,546

Ladies should factor Michael Kosta's champion status into their relationship calculators. (3:16)

THINK ABOUT THAT.

YOU GOT A DIFFERENTANSWER FOR ME NOW?

THINK ABOUT THAT.

[audience laughing]

HIGH SCHOOL TENNIS.

FACTOR THAT IN, LADIES, TOYOUR RELATIONSHIP CALCULATORS.

I ALSO PLAYED COLLEGIATE TENNISAT THE UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS,

THANK YOU, VERY MUCH.

WHOA, WHOA!

[cheers and applause]

THEN I PLAYED PROFESSIONALTENNIS FOR FOUR YEARS.

WHOA-- WHENEVER I TELLPEOPLE THAT-- WHOA!

PRO ATHLETEUP HERE, HUH?

IS THIS GUYA PRO ATHLETE?

NO, HE'S NOT--THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.

[audience laughing]

WHENEVER I TELLPEOPLE THAT,

THEY ALWAYS SAYTHE SAME THING.

"BUT, MICHAEL,WE DON'T RECOGNIZE YOU.

"WE DON'T RECOGNIZE YOUIF YOU'RE A PRO-ATHLETE."

YOU KNOW WHATI SAY TO THAT?

"OH, YEAH, NEW YORK,DO YOU RECOGNIZE ME NOW?

"DO YOU RECOGNIZE WHAT AGODDAMN CHAMPION LOOKS LIKE?"

PLEASE, FELLAS.

[applause]

I JUST PULLED A TROPHYOUT OF MY ASS [deleted].

[audience laughing]

A LOT MORE COMFORTABLENOW, THAT'S FOR SURE.

[audience laughing]

MY PARENTS ARE PROUD OF ME,RIGHT, OBVIOUS-- CHAMPION.

[audience laughing]

MY MOTHER'S A FORMEREIGHTH GRADE ENGLISH TEACHER

AND SHE'S VERYJUDGMENTAL.

DON'T BE SOJUDGMENTAL, MOTHERS.

JUST LOVEYOUR CHILD, OKAY?

JUST GIVE 'EMA LITTLE HUG.

SHE CAME TO MY SHOW RECENTLYAND I TOLD A VERY DIRTY JOKE.

THAT'S WHAT I DID.

AND THE JOKESTARTED LIKE THIS.

I SAID, "RECENTLY,"ME AND MY GIRLFRIEND

"WERE [deleted]DOGGY STYLE."

THAT'S HOW THATJOKE STARTS

AND IT GET A LOT MOREDIRTY AFTER THAT.

BUT I'M NOTGONNA DO IT.

AFTER THE SHOW,MY MOTHER COMES UP,

SHE IS ANGRY,DISTRAUGHT, EMBARRASSED,

A SINGLE TEAR'SCOMING DOWN HER FACE.

SHE LOOKS ME INTHE EYE AND SHE SAYS,

"MICHAEL, THAT SHOULD BEMY GIRLFRIEND AND I."

[audience laughing]

[applause]

I'M THE YOUNGESTIN MY FAMILY.

MOST COMEDIANS ARETHE YOUNGEST IN THEIR FAMILY.

IT'S AN ATTENTION THING.

THE YOUNGEST CHILDNEEDS THE MOST ATTENTION.

THINK ABOUT YOUROWN FAMILIES, OKAY?

WHY IS THAT?

I'LL TELL YOU WHY--BECAUSE MOM AND DAD

NEVER PLANNED ON HAVING THEIRYOUNGEST CHILD, THAT'S WHY.

[audience laughing]

MOM GOT DRUNKON NEW YEARS EVE

AND DAD TOOK HERTO POUND TOWN.

THAT'S HOWTHE YOUNGEST CHILD HAPPENS,

AND I HATESAYING THAT.

AND I LOOK AT PARENTSAND THEY NOD OR THEY CLAP.

THAT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE[deleted] ABOUT MYSELF, OKAY?

CLAP YOUR HANDS IF YOURTHE YOUNGEST IN YOUR FAMILY.

WHERE ARE THE YOUNGESTIN THE FAMILIES?

I LOVE YOU...I SUPPORT YOU... I LOVE YOU...

I'M SORRY I MADEFUN OF YOU EARLIER.

I SUPPORT YOU--

WE GOTTA STICK TOGETHER--WHERE ARE THE OLDEST?

CLAP YOUR HANDS IF YOU'RETHE OLDEST IN YOUR FAMILY.

YEAH-- THIS GUY, YEP, COURSE--NOT SURPRISED-- YEP.

YOU DON'T KNOW THIS, OLDEST--THERE'S A UNIVERSAL NICKNAME

THAT THE YOUNGESTCALLS THE OLDEST.

WE CALL YOU GUYS"ASS [deleted]."

YOU'RE ANASS [deleted], SIR.

YOU ARE AN ASS [deleted]--SO ARE YOU.

YOU'RE A DICK HEAD.

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